Sunday, June 23, 2013

Baffling Stupidity of the Book of Revelation

Absurd and Terrible Things Held to be True

If Christians are victors in the last days WHY do they keep trying to change what's happening?
     You would think that if believers truly believe that the world will end just as Revelation says it will they would not worry about anything, right? I mean, the Bible is very clear when it comes to which side achieves victory. Which side is that? God's side. That being the case I find it perplexing that so many Christians/believers sit around their spiritual campfire telling stories of how everything is already at the doors of hell and how all of God's children must be on the lookout for the evil surrounding them. 

     Some of these people even try to stop these supposed terrible things from happening as is shown in the ideologies of those evangelical groups that are always hatching some dumb-ass delusional plan to 'take America back' for Jesus. Groups like this are particularly devoid of logic and fail to realize that in their very own religious texts it states that Satan will gain control of everything in the end times of the Bible. EVERYTHING.

     So on the one hand you have religious groups claiming that the Bible is absolute truth and nothing can change anything as foretold in the Bible, and on the other hand you have religious groups trying to prevent these things from happening even though the Bible says they absolutely will. Do you see the stupidity of this? These idiots cannot have it both ways. They cannot say that the Bible is absolute truth and all of these really bad and scary and terrible things of the end times are happening at this very moment and then turn around and try to change these things from happening. To try to do so is to try to go against God's own words from the Bible.

     Evangelical John Hagee is notorious for his fiery and passionate sermons in which he often states that the last days are NOW.

     Hagee is also notorious for urging atheists to leave America and that America is going to continue to be a Bible reading nation under God. The stupid bastard fails to recall that in his own Bible it notes that everything collapses as the nation pulls away from God. If Hagee is claiming the last days are here (which he does claim) he is wasting his breath in telling the atheists to leave because to do so is the opposite of what Hagee claims is happening according to the book of Revelation. Stupid mother fucker.

Revelation 9:16 says, "I heard the size of their army, which was 200 million mounted troops."
     Just for you rapture enthusiasts to know...there are only about 60 million horses in the entire world. And that is a generous number considering most counts put the number of horses at about 58 million. Seems like Senor Messiah is going to have to find almost one hundred forty-two million horses for His mega army somewhere else. Say, maybe Pappa God the Creator can whip up a batch of horses in an instant much like He created all of the land animals on the sixth day of Creation. Could be.

An army of robots is currently being created by our government?
     Some Christians watch wayyyy too much television while at the same time trying to connect the dots of movie fiction and Bible fiction. Idiots.

The book of Revelation cracked open? No, but I bet the people who believe this shit are on crack.
     Why do Christians constantly talk about 'putting the pieces of the puzzle' together when it comes to the last days? You would think that an all-powerful God could manage to get His message through to people in ONE piece instead of splinters and fragments of stories that the religiously deluded fight over.

Where do you get your claim that EVERYONE knows we are on the verge of apocalypse?
     No, you dumb asshole, everyone on the earth does not know or believe or think that humanity is on the verge of apocalypse. You DO like to claim such being as though it makes you and your violent visions for mankind appear as a possibility. And of course there are a lot of people who believe this because the media consistently portrays only the sad and scary and evil stories and situations of mankind and they do this because this type of news reporting makes a lot of money and draws a lot of attention. 

     All of the negative news reports make it look like there is far more evil in the world than there is good. This is a huge mistake since what is really happening is all of the good and happy and uplifting news is largely left out. Just because most of what is reported is bad that does not make everything bad. Just because good and happy news is rarely reported that does not mean good and happy and excellent things rarely happen.

It is always the same with you people...the earth is ALWAYS on the verge of God's total wrath.
     Hah! A new religion is emerging from Christianity and Islam? You are an idiot! These religions are not merging because they have always been the same. They are both built on ludicrous spiritual texts and ravings, both claim to be inspired by THE one and only divine being of the universe, both aim to run the world, both accuse the other of being the enemy or the infidel or the destroyer of all that is good, and both have killed and continue to kill in the name of their faith.

     The Antichrist will call down fire from heaven and make an inanimate object come to life? Hummm. Didn't God call down fire from the sky on Sodom and Gomorrah? Didn't God take some dirt and form it into the shape of a man (an inanimate object) and then bring it to life? So, when God does the very same things that you claim are evil it is okay? You people are fucking stupid.

Utter Stupidity
     This video would have you believe that very specific information about the last days are given in the Bible. Really? Is that why the predictions always fail and why various denominations bicker endlessly over when the last days are and when Jesus is most likely to return? That there is some specific information.

The mystery of the horsemen in Revelation revealed?
     Ahh, here we go again with 'alarming patterns' as foretold in the book of Revelation being brought to fruition. Jesus Christ, people. You have GOT to come up with a better story because the one you have now just isn't working out for you and your alarmist spirituality. God is SO powerful that He gives people signs about what is happening so they will not be fooled by the devil. 

     God brings this proof of truth to man so that those who understand will know what God is up to. This is utterly retarded, because if God's believers and followers already know and understand shouldn't God be giving this supposed irrefutable information to those who do NOT believe in God? If people already believe there is no point in revealing anything to them because they already know.

Look out Number Thirteen; you've got some competition.
     It appears as though the inherent bad luck and evil of the number thirteen is surpassed by that of the number seven.

The Shifting Paradigm
     See, if you have trouble swallowing the bullshit of the Bible all you have to do is get some special code from this same Bible that, much like a cereal box decoder ring, will decipher the nonsense banter of the Bible into something you can understand and that will make sense of everything that has ever happened in the world. And if you can stand just right and turn your head in just the right fashion you will be able to see all of the prophecies that Jesus and God want you to see in the precise manner in which they want you to see it.

Do you hear what I hear?
Uh-oh...I hear sounds I have never heard before. Since I have never heard it before or heard OF it that must mean it is a direct sign from heaven that Jesus is finally back from His two thousand year sabbatical. Quick! Repent! Put that last cookie back into the cookie jar and admit you are a sinner and need God.

     If those hell-bent on interpreting the strange sounds as divine in origin had simply taken the time to look up such phenomenon they not only would have found the truth, but they would not have frightened themselves or others so badly.

Do you see what I see?
     No matter what the disaster is many Christians find a way to integrate such things into their ideologies. It is both offensive and cruel that these religious nut-jobs would so callously label the suffering and tragedy of other people as a validating factor for Christianity and its tenement gospel.

Nothing New Here
     Check out the date of this video. Not the post date but the date it was made: 1978. Seems as though Christians back then were just as fanatical about Armageddon and the signs of the last days. Here we are, thirty-plus years later and STILL there are those who cling to biblical rubbish.

     Here we are with another misguided, but well-meaning interpretation of Revelation.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The End Times: as Through the Eyes of the Delusional

The Rubbish of Rapture and Revelation:
Scaring People into Believing

     For the last two thousand years there has been no shortage of preachers, parishioners, and even entire religious groups claiming that the Second Coming of Jesus Christ is just around the corner. Now, either Jesus and God changed their minds as to who would be making another appearance, or that corner that must be turned in order to run into Jesus and the Tribulation must be one hell of a corner to turn. Two thousand years of pointless predictions and absolutely jack shit to show for it.

     Although the Bible states that no man knows the time of Jesus' supposed Second Coming that has not stopped some folks from trying to do just that. It is amazing how quickly people will take what they do not understand or what they think has never happened before and then chalk it all up to signs of Jesus' imminent return. Here are some predictions that completely flopped (the predictions ALWAYS flop) for you to take a gander at:

Predictions for 2013

This clip makes copious use of cheesy sounding music with lots and lots of trumpet sounds that I suppose are intended to come across to the viewer as the heralding of Jesus' return. It offers nothing new. Same crap, same lie.

More spooky music with a good peppering of some guy trying to sound like what God's or Jesus' voice would sound like.

You know, some people will do everything possible, and that includes making absurd 'connections' or stretching pure coincidence, to take every day circumstances and ascribe spiritual meaning to anything that validates the stupidity of religion. 

Predictions for 2012 Return of Jesus and Predictions MADE in 2012

Uhm, yeah...the "tornadoes on the sun" that you are referring to are solar flares. This is a natural for the sun. And for Pete's sake stop labeling everything you do not understand (including creepy sounds out of nowhere) as a sure sign of the end of the world.

Listen to the questions the voice in this clip is asking and then listen as the crowd responds with clapping. The voice asks, "Are you waiting for WWIII?" and everyone breaks out in applause. WTF?

Bible prophecy has absolutely dick to do with the natural geologic functions of this planet. Jesus does not fuck with the weather in an effort to warn man of his imminent return. 

Crack out your Bible and read the passages presented here and you will see how the religious ding-dongs of the world stretch the verses to fit their theories nice and snug.

This clip is so goddamn stupid it makes me angry. If what people are saying does not fit your religious prophecy all you have to do is play whatever they are saying BACKWARDS and then ascribe some deep and dark meaning to what you hear.

Why is the guy in this video whispering in an empty church?

Well, well, well. Nothing says Christianity is right like a Muslim converting to the proposed truth of the competing infidels.

This guy sounds like he has had two or three pots of coffee before he shot this video. His ideas are very disconnected and his examples of the ideas make no sense. Confucius say go home and come up with a better lie. This guy probably needs some Zoloft or lithium.

These guys are correct about seeing phenomenon but what they don't realize is they are NATURAL phenomenon.

This video is fairly long and if you plan to watch it all the way through I highly recommend you keep some booze handy.

Ah, Kenneth Copeland. This guy has been scaring people into the faith for many decades now.

Predictions for 2011

Here, a man resembling Kris Kringle (and sounding like he smoked a doobie right before his message transmission) gives his two cents worth of predictions.

Part two of the prophecy of Santa Clause.

Some people are so fucking stupid they actually make for good entertainment.

Another group vying for fifteen seconds of fame by making predictions of the Second Coming. 

This was too freaking funny to NOT put in the blog. 

Predictions for 2010

Oh my dear Jesus! This is hilarious!

The delusional fellow in this clip has carefully aligned his seat and his camera so that the cross in the background shows above his head.

Lady, it does not matter how sincere you are in your ridiculous religious claims. Sincerity is NOT a tool of validation.

What this guy fails to realize it that it isn't just the 2010 predictions that are false and stupid, but such things extend to the entire pie of religion. It is all a bunch of crap.

Situations Signaling Jesus' Imminent Return
     Of course there are far more predictions as to Jesus' Second Coming than the few I have noted here, but I wish to move on to the interpretation of significant historical events (usually only the bad ones). You would think a divine being that is supposed to encompass love and hope would pick better and less frightening actions in an effort to relay to mankind that such a divine being is due to arrive any minute.

     As you watch these clips and videos I want you to really listen to what the interpreter of the event is saying/claiming. Consider their reasoning and their supposed proof as they try to play an ill-advised game of connect the dots between religion and reality.

Here we go again with the processes of the planet being misinterpreted as signs of the End Times.

Dude, your so-called reports and incorrect conclusions are not proof of anything having to do with your delusional faith and its murderous inventor. Nothing like a self-righteous moron spouting off on how he has the truth and you don't.

This lady totally sounds like she popped a couple of Valium before the show and the moment she starts to speak is when the pills kick in.

Haahaaha!! Hal Lindsey looks like the love-child of Kaiser Wilhelm and Joseph Stalin.

Subduction of tectonic plates are not indicators of Jesus arriving real soon. They ARE indicators of the processes of this living planet.

I Am the Lamb
     How about those individuals who claim to be a prophet of God and Jesus, or who claim to be Jesus?

This guy looks like he could be Bruce Jenner's evil twin brother.

Why the hell would Jesus need bodyguards? You would think the power of being the Son of God would take care of everything. Whatever. He is another asshole leading an even bigger group of assholes.

I just do not understand how people can fall for the crap that people claiming to speak for God say. Who gives a shit. If they are stupid enough to believe that shit leave them to their own devices.

All religious cults try to make it look as though they have brought the supposed beauty of God's kingdom to earth. Big time stupid.

This guy desperately needs psychological medical attention before he implodes.

Three Cheers for Supernatural Powers
     Promises of supernatural powers have attracted many believers to various Bible-based faiths. Some of these claims are so ever-loving hilarious you cannot help but to wonder if these people listen to themselves.

This guy sounds like he took a couple hits of helium before he began his speech.

What better way to convert people to what you believe than to promise possession of special powers.

You know, for all of the power and ability that God is supposed to possess it seems as though He is always working through someone and never does anything for Himself. He is always passing the buck to some underling or other.

Believing in Jesus and the cracker jack of the Bible will give you amazing powers.

Believers will see miracles? You mean like when they see the Mother Mary in a ham sandwich or a dilapidated billboard?

Believers Need to Protect Themselves and Their Family

Raising your children to fear everything that is contrary to your own belief is an affront to good parenting.

Everything and anything that prevents non-believers from falling prey to the bullshit of religion is a plot of the devil.

Evil does not dominate the world. There are terrible and evil people in the world, yes. However, evil does not dominate the world. The uber-religious and spiritually deluded in the universe search far and wide for all things negative and scary so that they have some kind of truth as proof of their disjointed ramblings.


Another disconnected from reality speech that is an excellent argument for NOT allowing religion to happen to you.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

From the book "The Tenement Gospel" (a spoof re-write of the New Testament) is the last book called:


The Book of Revelatin’

Chapter 1

            1 What it is, my brotha? This here be me revelatin’ to you about the Tenement Gospel as so stated by God his own self, so that the muthas who be prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster might be doin’ something to be settin’ theyselfs free.
            2 Now, the folks who be preachin’ the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ that they scriptures be the complete and indelible truth, but this be a bunch of horse shit.
            3 The reason for this be simple, ‘aight? They main problem be that they faith be based on a load of frightening prophecies that be making no damn sense no how. Now that be what we gonna be talkin’ about here, you dig?
            4 But before I gets into tellin’ ya’ll what ya’ll should be lookin’ out for an’ shit, I wanna be greeting you and thankin’ you for being here and readin’ this, ‘aight?
            5 So, with all the love in the universe that be making up what God be, I bless you and hope that all thangs be goin’ well for you and all of yours, you dig? Know in your heart that wherever you are, so God is there also regardless of whether or not you want him to be.
            6 I have been charged by God and all that be making up what God be to write this book so that ya’ll know the truth about what to be expectin’ from the nut cases who be spoutin’ off about the Gospel of Disaster.
            7 Now, these things be coming to me through a dream, granted a really whacked out dream that in all fairness could have been a direct result of the mow I smoked. I am writin’ these things exactly as I herd ‘em or saw ‘em in my dream, ‘aight?
            8 In my dream I be standin’ on the most beautiful, white sand beach that be havin’ the most gorgeous blue water. And stuck in the white sand be these really cool lookin’ tiki torches.
            9 And standin’ near these tiki torches was this servant guy who be bringin’ anything I be askin’ for. So, I gots a really cool drink in a pineapple. Now the guy standin’ near the torches be havin’ Rasta braids and be smokin’ really great mow.
            10 And dude says to me, Ya’ll be writin’ this down, foh-shizzle, so people be payin’ attention to what they should be doin’. And if people be sayin’ to youz that they don’t be havin’ the info that they be needin’ you tell them they full of shit,
            11 For everything that people be needin’ to be knowing in order to be livin’ happy and healthy and abundant lives be all around them if only they be openin’ they eyes and they minds and they hearts and they spirits. This be the truth, my dizzle.
            12 And tell this to people so that they be knowing that there ain’t no alpha and no omega, for everything be now and all at once, you dig? That be what Jesus be tryin’ to tell people about what the ‘I Am’ be meanin’. It be meanin’ oneness with the ‘now’, you dig?
            13 Now folks needin’ to be knowin’ that there ain’t no big damn tribulation that all that be makin’ up God in this universe be making people to be going through. Don’t ya’ll know you be making all your own tribulations?
            14 God ain’t tryin’ to put people through more of that shit! Hell no! God be trying to help ya’ll get yo asses out of the bad things you done gone and did to ya’lls selfs.
            15 So youz go and be writing down everything that I be telling’ you so that hopefully somebody be payin’ attentions an’ start gettin’ shit right, you dig?
            16 So, I done told the guy with the Rasta braids who be smokin’ a doobie that I be doin’ exactly like he be tellin’ me an’ writin’ everything down.

Chapter 2

            1 And a voice said to look and I looked, and I saw nine golden pot bongs standing in a thick haze of smoke from the most holy mow. Then did the voice say, It is four and twenty.
            2 Then was a righteous doobie passed unto me and I did smoke of the most holiest of mows. Then a voice said, You must be hungry.
            3 I turned toward the sound of the voice and, behold! I saw a man clothed in the garment of an ice cream man, girded about the chest with cinnamon buns, his hair was the blinding salmon pink of cotton candy,
            4 His head was a nacho tortilla chip and his eyes were watermelon flavored ring-pops; his arms were fruit roll-ups and his fingers were golden corndogs; his thighs were carne asada burritos and his calves were churros;
            5 His ankles were hickory smoked turkey drumsticks and his feet were buttermilk biscuits with sweet potato toes.
            6 As I began to eat the ankles and the toes of the man before me he spoke, saying, Know that the things I am about to tell you are the things that those of the Gospel of Disaster say are about to take place, but never will,
            7 Or they are things that those of the Gospel of Disaster normally be spoutin’ off about for one reason or other.
            8 And I be fallin’ at the feet of this fella an I told him that I was not into lisnin’ to some puffed up scriptural mumbo-jumbo that said I was going to be burning in somebody’s hell. And he said to me,
            9 No, Bozo! I am not gonna preach that crap to you. I am telling you what to look out for from the people who do preach that crapola for shits and giggles and for the purpose of scarin’ the beejesus out of everybody on the planet who don’t be believin’ like they do.
            10 Now, listen up! The folk who be teachin’ the Gospel of Disaster shall be claimin’ all kinds of signs and symbols and messages in damn near anything that be happnin’ or not happnin’, you dig?
            11 Now some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster claim to know that the works and labors of those of the Tenement Gospel are evil and that the preachers of the Tenement Gospel are false apostles.
            12 The reason why those of the Gospel of Disaster claim the teachings of the Tenement Gospel to be false is because such a message preached is not one they wish to hear about,
            13 For the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster do not wish to hear that they have completely departed from the message of love of the universe, and in doing so they have also left God,
            14 And instead of treating their fellow men with acceptance they point to them and say, Look! They are doing this wrong! Look! They are doing that wrong!
            15 He who has half a mind to hear don’t listen to those of the Gospel of Disaster, for such say nothing worth hearing when they preach about the things they hate and the people they hate and the practices they hate.
            16 It is true, however, that those of the Gospel of Disaster who overcome the urge to hate and detest and abuse others shall in turn overcome the fruits of the Tree of Disaster, therefore reverting back to the love that comprises what God is.
            17 And some of the messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that to suffer tribulation and poverty and grueling life demands is in reality to live with richness and wealth in life,
            18 Yet, these very same messengers become very rich and live comfortable lives with the very same money they beg for and take from those who really are poor and suffering in the depths of poverty;
            19 Such messengers slander the faith and the love that they supposedly preach, and in doing so neglect all that is God.
            20 And they tell their flocks to not fear or worry about their seemingly endless well of suffering in the now, for those suffering are told they will be rewarded most richly in a distant, later life,
            21 For the Gospel of Disaster states that its followers must be faithful in everything, even unto death. In return the faithful are promised crowns of life, but a faith that preaches death in the now and life in the later is doomed to disarray.

Chapter 3

            1 And some messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths are like double-edged swords and cut the hearts of those who hold alternate faiths or no faith at all, and cut the ears of all who hear messages of different faiths,
            2 For the Gospel of Disaster claims that all other faiths are stumbling blocks and not intended to bring people to God, but rather to take people away from God. Such messengers say,
            3 Lo! Faiths of a different origin are from Satan and therefore do not qualify as a valid belief.
            4 The messengers of the Gospel of Disaster say that all other faiths and members of such faiths must immediately repent of their wicked faiths and their wicked ways lest they be cut-off from the truth of the Gospel of Disaster,
            5 For those who believe differently than peddlers of the Gospel of Disaster will find that a holy war has been declared upon them under the guise of preaching a peaceful gospel,
            6 And it is in such a cause that those of the Gospel of Disaster say that their faith is the one, true faith that is above all others, saying,
            7 To the man who has ears to hear, let him plug them up so he will not have to listen to the sin of all other faiths,
            8 For the God of the Gospel of Disaster promises that those who listen only to him shall be given special stones that no one else shall receive or even know about.
            9 And there are those messengers who claim that God hates the tolerance of any faith other than theirs, calling all other faiths sinful and evil and filled with idol worship.   10 The same messengers even accuse believers of other faiths of being wicked fornicators and of purposely sacrificing the truth, therefore giving just cause to treat other religions as adulterous in nature,
            11 For according to the Gospel of Disaster members of different faiths or no faith at all shall be thrown into the fires of a great tribulation,
            12 But I say to you to never fear these things for they shall never be. Those of the message of disaster shall claim to have authority over all other nations and religions, but this is one of the biggest bullshit lies in the history of religion.
            13 If a man has the ears to hear then he shall do himself a favor and never lend an ear to the Gospel of Disaster, for such a gospel that is steeped in fear can never bring about anything nurturing or beneficial.
            14 And much like a neglectful parent toward an unwanted child the Gospel of Disaster labels all other beliefs as dead in faith, ignoring them as though they were bastard children.
            15 Messengers of the disastrous faith say that no man is saved by works, but then these same muthas turn around and point to other faiths, saying,
            16 Look what they are saying, look what they are doing, look at what they are believing, and look at what they do not do. We are better than they are for the works we live by are loved by the one, true God.
            17 The messengers of disaster become a source of great distain amongst many nations, and they claim such distain as a sign of their longsuffering, but in reality it is everyone else who suffers at the hands of those that are caked with the muddiness hate.
            18 It is God that blesses anyone who has the endurance and tenacity and the patience to ignore and put up with the crap of the Gospel of Disaster.

Chapter 4

            1 The scriptures of the Gospel of Disaster cannot be truth since they were penned by a bunch of picky bastards who only chose to write about what they liked, what they wanted to hear, and about those things they could use to control people with.
            2 Such people are blind so long as they hold onto the Gospel of Disaster, for so long as they fail to see the many paths that lead to God, they shall not have eyes that recognize anything of great or lasting value.
            3 When venomous men such as these come to your door and ask for the ears of your heart, do not let them in for they will only devour you and the objectiveness of your spirit.
            4 After I was shown all of these things I was given another mega doobie of the most holy of mows and told, Smoke up, for you will now be shown those things the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster shall say and do during what they think is the end.
            5 Then I was made non-corporeal and taken before a very large throne made of skeletons that had been dipped in gold, and upon the golden skeletons were green emeralds with many small rainbows seeping out from them.
            6 And around this large throne of golden skeletons were many, many smaller thrones identical in appearance, and upon the miniature thrones were many different manifestations of those who preach the Gospel of Disaster,
            7 And behold! A voice said unto me, Look at these who sit here one these thrones made of skeletons dipped in gold. They have convinced themselves that they are above all because they have built a throne similar to the one they claim to be God’s throne,
            8 But the very throne they claim to be God’s throne is the same throne they created in secret and labeled in secret to be God’s own. Though they claim to have discovered this throne it is not so, for they worship their own creation.
            9 One cannot discover what one has created. That is some stupid shit.
            10 Standing in the midst of all the thrones is a great beast with many sharp teeth, hateful red eyes, razor sharp talons of the hardest metal, a tongue of fire, the belly of a dragon, the feathers of a chicken, and the whiskers of a catfish.
            11 And the beast had many eyes and many mouths from which came many negative words and phrases, and those sitting on the thrones looked upon the beast with awe, bowed to it and prayed to it. Then a voice said to me,
            12 See these people on the thrones worshiping this beast? These are the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster. Do you know what the beast they worship is? It is the fear that they rely on in order that they control people with their blind rhetoric.
            13 And behold, a dead horse, and the men standing astride of it were beating it in order to get it to comply with their wishes, but it would not respond for it was dead. Crowns with the word ‘Dunce’ were given unto the men who beat the horse,
            14 For they were trying to sell the dead horse in an effort to pass it off as something valuable. Unto the people who passed them by they said, Come, buy this horse and it shall till your gardens and take you anywhere you wish to go.
            15 And when some people passing by asked why the men were trying to sell a dead horse the men said, It is not dead, only resting. For the men who buy this horse and manage to wake it, it shall be an asset unto them.
            16 It came to be that some of those passing by the men with the dead horse paid them no mind at all while others simply wanted to stare at the carcass and yet others wanted to buy it.
            17 And behold, I saw a green horse, and the man who sat on him wore golden armor and held a great sack of money. The horse had a bridle and a saddle made of pure silver. And this man had the ability to speak sweet words to people in order that they give him their money,
            18 For he promised them that if they gave him money he would lead them to the eternal way and to a special seat in heaven next to Jesus.
            19 Then I turned, and behold, I saw a blue horse, and the man who sat on him was crying and his expression was one of great sorrow. And to this man was given the burden of a heavy heart,
            20 For he allowed the destructive promises of his supposed faith to divide him from his family and from his friends and from society.
            21 And I looked again, and behold, I saw a yellow horse, and the man who sat on him was trembling with great fear. And this man was consumed by the non-sensical rumors of what might happen to him when he would die,
            22 For this man chose his faith according to the terrible tribulations that that particular faith promised to save him from if he would only believe.
            23 Then there came a great noise like an air horn at a football game, and I saw all of the lives of people who chose to wage war in the name of God and of faith, and they cried out, What is this that we have done to each other?
            24 For we say we know the mind and the love of God and then we murder each other, burn one another’s cities and towns, lay waste to lands meant to sustain the life of people, and even commit heinous suicides thinking it makes us martyrs.
            25 And as these people are reborn many consign themselves to try to compensate for the atrocities they enacted in their previous lives.

Chapter 5

            1 Then a loud voice said unto me, Listen and write this shit down, ’aight? Now those of the Gospel of Disaster be sayin’ some crazy ass shit about some supposed End Times Tribulation and a great Judgment Day.
            2 And they say that the End Times will happen when God no longer wishes to allow people the chance to choose either the Gospel of Disaster or death, and will instead choose death for those who never made the right choice to begin with.
            3 Those of the Gospel of Disaster will use absolutely every tactic possible in an effort to scare people into believing their crap spin on the spiritual matters of the universe, and with each natural disaster and with each great war waged they shall say,
            4 The end is near! And with each great quake, each tidal wave, each volcanic explosion, each collapse of a mountain, each outbreak of any plague, each downfall of a government, each shortage of food,
            5 Each violent political volley, each great war waged between nations great and small, each uprising against political despots, each unusual occurrence in the heavens, and each misunderstanding of supernatural matters those of the Gospel of Disaster say,
            6 Look, these are the signs that all is going to end! These are the signs that we are right and have always been right in clinging to our destructive faith. God is angry and this is why all of these terrible things are happening!
            7 For those of the Gospel of Disaster just can’t seem to get it through their thick heads that an earthquake is an earthquake, a tidal wave is a tidal wave, and a volcanic eruption is a volcanic eruption,
            8 And all of such things naturally occur in and on the earth upon which people live, for the earth is living and growing and changing at all times, just as the men who walk upon its surface.
            9 But the purveyors of the Gospel of Disaster persist to misinterpret natural processes as confirmation of their twisted faith, taking the descriptions of such and forcing them to fit into whatever prophecies they can conjure up from their scriptures.
            10 And in the last book of their prophecies those who preach the Gospel of Disaster go all out and say some really, really crazy shit. Write these things down so you will remember them. And I did as I was commanded by the voice and wrote.
            11 And the voice said, There is a prophecy that there will be four angels at the four corners of the earth that shall withhold the wind and its power. The problem with this prophecy is the fact that the earth don’t be having no goddamn corners, ‘aight?
            12 But these prophecies were written in a time when men still thought the earth was fucking flat. So, there goes the prophecy of four angels holding the winds from the four corners of the earth.
            13 Right after that prophecy is one that says that an angel commands the other angels to not harm the earth and the sea until the slaves of the God of the Gospel of Disaster have been sealed upon their heads.
            14 Now, not only does this make an absolutely absurd picture in one’s mind, but do you get the strange sense of detachment when instead of saying everyone who does not believe is going to get killed the angel says the earth and the sea will be harmed?
            15 This is a classic example of trying to disassociate with those who are considered doomed, right? Never mind the people who are supposedly going to be harmed, let’s just talk about the earth and the sea getting harmed. How stupid is that?
            16 So, those who are supposedly doomed are not worth talking about or mentioning, but the earth and the sea are. That right there ought to give people a real sense of the lack of appreciation and respect the Gospel of Disaster has towards a lot of people.
            17 What I find of particular interest about this particular prophecy is the fact that it states that the slaves of the Gospel of Disaster will be sealed with a mark upon their heads. Slaves. Notice it does not say believers, it says slaves. Need I say more?
            18 Another prophecy says that the throne of God will be surrounded with a mass of people in white robes which have been made white in the blood of what they believe. There are actually quite a few of these types of prophecies,
            19 And it is these prophecies in particular that the fundamentalist-terrorist-whack jobs latch onto to defend their maniacal religious behavior. They spilled blood, their own or someone else’s, in an effort to overcome and sit about the throne of God.
            20 They are martyrs who receive even greater favor from the God of the Gospel of Disaster for sacrificing themselves. Again, this type of crappy-doo religious philosophy only encourages idiots to do stupid shit in an effort to gain God’s favor.

Chapter 6

            1 Then was another mega doobie of the most holiest of mows passed unto me, and I was commanded to smoke, and I did. Then the voice commanded me that I continue to listen to the absurdities of the Gospel of Disaster. And the voice said,
            2 Listen to these hypocrisies of the Gospel of Disaster. Now it says in its last book of prophecies that angels stand before a golden altar and light incense to go with the prayers of people to God,
            3 So you tell me how the Gospel of Disaster can pass judgment on those different religions that also use altars and also burn incense to go with prayer? How is it okay for one faith and not for another? Maybe because the angels are doing it. Whatever, man.
            4 Then there is a lengthy description of hail and fire and all kinds of crazy shit falling from the sky along with the sun and moon being darkened. Now, those of the Gospel of Disaster are crafty in trying to make all of this sound like doomsday,
            5 But the simple truth is they are describing meteor showers, asteroids, comets, and solar and lunar eclipses. They can try all they want to make it sound as scary and horrible as possible, but these things are what they are and it is no mystery.
            6 Now we get to the crazy of the crazy prophecies where there is a great hole that opens up that thick smoke spews out of, and with the smoke these mega locusts with scorpion stingers come out and hurt all the people who do not believe the Gospel of Disaster.
            7 Now, what is interesting is these scorpion-locust thingies are supposedly given the power to torture all men without the seal of the God of Disaster, torture them for not believing in the Gospel of Disaster. Nice.
            8 So, never mind freewill, right? Because if you have to believe in something in order to not get tortured and burned in hell forever, well then your ass don’t be havin’ no goddamn freewill, you dig?
            9 Getting to the part where the four angels who were supposedly holding the four corners of the earth, quite a feat considering the roundness of this planet, were loosed these same angels are supposedly given the power to kill a third of the people on earth.
            10 And why would they be given this most dastardly assignment? Why, all of this mayhem is intended to turn the hearts of men to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. Sound like a nice God to you? Believe in me or die? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that?
            11 It gets better, though. Another angel makes yet another announcement in which followers of the Gospel of Disaster are referred to as the slaves of the God of Disaster. Here we go again with the disastrous faithful being labeled as slaves.
            12 True faith never, ever enslaves anyone. But that is typical of the Gospel of Disaster to try to force their bitter pills down the throats of people under the promise that someday it shall taste sweet. It is all a big giant crock.
            13 Then there are the two witnesses that have all kinds of power over the natural processes of the earth. They can make rain or stop rain. They can make fire come from out of their mouths to devour their enemies and turn water to blood.
            14 And why would these men do this? Again, it is supposedly all for the purpose of making people believe in the Gospel of Disaster. People do not choose to believe the Gospel of Disaster, they are frightened into believing it.
            15 The voice said to me, Look into their scriptures and you will find mention of a mighty quake that kills thousands and thousands of people, and those still alive are so scared and terrified that they immediately praise and give glory to the God of the Gospel of Disaster. This is not choice. This is not freewill. This is not the love of God.
            16 The very idea that any being would rule by persistent and consistent use of fear is indicative of such a ruler being a tyrant and not in the least bit worthy of a leadership position, much less the adoration of followers.
            17 Then comes the description of a whole bunch of stories that all sound incredibly similar to the stories of creation and destruction found in cultures all over the earth and from many different times in history.
            18 There are descriptions of a dragon chasing a lady who is helped by an eagle and who eventually has some kids. Then the dragon gets pissed and spits out a river to destroy the woman, but the earth opens up and swallows the water, helping the woman.
            19 Then you have a mega beast loaded with heads and horns coming up out of the ocean. Not only that, but this beast is a patch quilt since it has body parts from a lion, a bear, and a leopard. Sounds like someone went shopping for monster parts at the thrift shop.
            20 It gets better. So, then this mega beast has another mega beast pal come up out of the earth. This beast don’t look no prettier than his predecessor.
            21 Together the two beasts go about the world trying to force people to believe their brand of religious hodge-podge, and if they don’t believe it then they cannot buy or sell food, an shit. Sounds awfully similar to not allowing people to live unless they believe in the Gospel of Disaster.
            22 These stories are nothing new in reality. They are all the same stories people have swapped over thousands and thousands of years in an effort to amuse themselves, and somewhere along the line people started taking the shit for real.
            23 None of it is anything new or special or unusual or enlightening. All that happens is throughout history the characters are shuffled around a bit, names are changed, and ta-da! You’ve got a whole new set of religious stories on your hands.

Chapter 7

            1 And the voice once again said to me, Listen and write these things down so that people may know of the absolute stupidity with which they try to control each other through what they hold as faith,
            2 For their ridiculousness travels to the furthest reaches of the mind and of the universe and all that is.
            3 And they say some of the wackiest shit, like when they say that one hundred and forty-four thousand men will be standing around a throne and singing a song no one else can learn since they, the guys singing, are virgins and the other people aren’t.
            4 Then comes this gi-normous war called Armageddon where everything and everyone that is contrary in the least bit to what those of the Gospel of Disaster preach are completely decimated and destroyed,
            5 And as if that were not enough of a punishment, after these rabble rousers are decimated they are made to live an eternity in absolute torment.
            6 And all of this po-dunk crap is what the Gospel of Disaster is about, ‘aight? Destruction and torture of those who either wish to believe otherwise, or maybe not even believe in anything at all.
            7 That is not a message of salvation.
            8 All those who choose to worship all that is divine from a different angle are called idolatrous and evil and wicked, never mind that all of these religions have the same symbols, albeit under different names and in different orders.
            9 That is not a message of redemption.
            10 All those who do not live according to how those of the Gospel of Disaster say to live are automatic enemies of the God of Disaster and his followers, unless, of course, they change their minds and decide to live as they are told.
            11 That is not a valid message of hope and faith, and absolutely nowhere near anything even remotely similar to freewill or the exercise thereof.
            12 So, what happens when the supposed end of time passes? Why, there will be celebration in heaven, but only a celebration attended by those who bought the Gospel of Disaster hook, line, and sinker.
            13 The Gospel of Disaster is nothing but a vengeful conglomeration of spiteful words and prophecies intended only to divide people and give just cause to those who would wreak terrible destruction on those who believe differently, or not at all.
            14 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches so much hate and so much destruction and so much misery.
            15 It is wrong to rejoice in something that devours hope and revokes even the half-assed promises made to men.
            16 It is wrong to rejoice in something that is persistent in preaching the cutting down of those who believe differently, smiting here and smiting there wherever a differing faith and opinion can be found.
            17 It is wrong to rejoice in something that preaches only one way and one answer and one vision and one faith and one understanding of love and one path, for just as there are men and have been and ever will be, there are many paths and faiths and answers and understandings of all that love is.
            18 And no matter how much death and destruction is preached by anyone this cannot change the truth of love and the truth of everything in love and of love and for love and to love that comprises all of that which is God.

Chapter 8

            1 Do not be deceived by the fear that so many will try to teach and preach, for giving into such fear can only take from the goodness of all that surrounds you.
            2 Of course, that does not mean your ass needs to go out and start harassing those of the Gospel of Disaster, no. Simply don’t listen or give into their bullshit that always ends up dividing people one way or another.
            3 God and salvation and redemption and everything that is love is not just for those who chose to worship the Gospel of Disaster or any other similar faith or any different faith, or whatever.
            4 God and salvation and redemption and love and wealth of being and of who the individual is, well that is for everyone, and it doesn’t matter what the fuck you choose to believe, you dig?
            5 So, contrary to what some faiths may believe they do not own the sole rights to these things.
            6 Simply live you for who you are. Find your joy and run with it, developing it unto perfection and adding something beautiful to the world and the earth and the people around you with each life that you live.
            7 There are so very many beautiful things to experience and to share, and that simply cannot be done by limiting faith and love and hope and peace and all such things.
            8 Find the faith that fits you, a healthy faith that does not preach salvation through fear. And if you grow out of that faith then find another. And if you decide you do not wish to have a faith, then don’t have one.
            9 It really isn’t that difficult for a mind to grasp.
            10 Live to love, and love to live.
            11 Do not live to instill fear. Do not live to instill hate. Do not live to encourage division. Do not live to hold one faith over another.
            12 Live to love, and love to live.
            13 When someone tries to bully you with hellfire and damnation, walk away. Do not allow such ridiculous fear into your life and heart and mind.
            14 And live for the day! Everyday is a good day, ‘aight? Sometimes the situations of the day can be pretty shitty, but the day is all good so take that and run with it and do something wonderful and beautiful with it.
            15 Do not waste your time neglecting the present in exchange for something that is less than a giant maybe. Maybe does not cut the mustard. This is a precise universe that does not deal with maybes. Maybes are only in the minds of people.
            16 And the more that people decide to live with an open heart and mind the more and more beautiful life everywhere becomes, because that is life. You don’t have to be a member of a special faith in order to see the beauty of life. Just open your eyes.
            17 Live the way you are intended to live and bring honor and joy everywhere you go, and when you converse with your fellow man look at the things that you have in common instead of distorting the things you think separate you,
            18 For the supposed separation perceived by so many who are steeped in fear is a lie. And wars have been fought and continue to be fought and will be fought because of this lie,
            19 And it is this terrible lie that says, My God is better than your God. My faith is better than your faith. My understanding is better than your understanding. Yea, even, I am going to heaven and you are going to hell. But do not allow this lie to become your truth.
            20 Live in compassion and love and joy and peace and hope and happiness and you will find all is yours.
            21 This is the truth, and no amount of fear or spiritual terrorist teaching can change it. No amount of any faith claiming to be the one and only truth can change this. No amount of threats of an Armageddon or final judgment can change this.
            22 Living in fear, spiritual or otherwise, is not a normal way of life. This being the case, stop living as if it were.
            23 May all that is great and grand and glorious in this most excellent universe find its way to you, and may the love of all that comprises what God is always be seeded deep within your heart, an’ that shit, my homey, be how it really be goin’ down.
            24 Peace out. 

The Book of Mac Daddy:
The First Book of the Tenement Gospel

Chapter 1

1 This is the story of the Tenement Gospel according to Jesus Christ. You can read along in your book. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear a monstrous clapping sound and are struck by lightning.

2 Now, if this particular story were a musical score each character would be represented by a particular instrument: Jesus by the lazy bumble bee hum of a kazoo, Pete by the twing-twang of a Kentucky banjo, Juan by the explosive echo of a fart,

3 Jaime by the vibrato of a belch, Mac Daddy by the steel drums, Judes by the metal triangle, Koresh by the skin flute, Mufasa by the coach’s whistle, Carlos by the corn cob piccolo, M’Tew by the pots and pans cymbals,

4 Lou by the hollow sound of an empty moonshine jug, J-Dog by the ding-dong of a doorbell, and Webster by nails on a chalkboard.

5 Luckily, this is not that kind of story so we won’t be subjected to what would in all likeliness be an incredibly horrific sound.

6 So, a mega long time ago this shittingly fragrant guy named Juan the Baptist who was a moon-shiner by trade, was charged with preparing his city for when Jesus would be dropping by. This plan did not work out well as Juan became slobbering drunk at a wedding feast, decided to go for a walk, and became lost in the desert.

7 For three days Juan’s friends and family looked for him and eventually found him meandering around the wilderness, crying out, What the hell did I do with my goddamn compass?

8 When Juan came back to the city he began to preach the Tenement Gospel to anyone who would hear, which actually turned out to be about three people.

9 And Juan was clothed in the garb of the homeless, his socks and underwear more than capable of standing up and jumping hurtles all on their own.

10 Juan preached, If there is any man who smells stronger than me let him speak now or forever hold his nose. I baptize you with the water I should be using to wash my filthy body, but he shall baptize you with Starbucks.

11 And wouldn’t you know it, but Jesus came to Juan and brought him a venti chai tea latte, extra hot, no water, and six pumps of chai all made with whole milk.

12 So, Juan baptized Jesus and in the process Jesus grabbed Juan by the lapels and dragged him down into the water with him.

13 As soon as they came up out of the water the air was cleared as the force field of dirt covering Juan fell down around him. And some disembodied voice from the sky said to Jesus,

14 Thank you for doing that, Jesus. I am well pleased as this mutha was getting pretty damn stinky.

15 And Jesus asked, What did I win? And God said,

16 You have just won a beautiful vacation in a desert in the middle of nowhere for forty days and forty nights during which Satan will ask you a whole bunch of trick questions.

17 And Jesus said, Can’t I just take the cash value of the trip?

18 But before Jesus had even finished his question God had already zapped him through a wormhole to the desert.

19 After eating a large amount of peyote that he thought was simply shrooms Jesus was quite sure that the wild animals and the angels were talking to him and giving him advice on his financial portfolio. Satan completely forgot about the appointment and never showed up.

20 During the time Jesus was trippin’ in the desert Juan the Baptist had been arrested for disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment for operating a chariot while under the influence of religion.

21 When Jesus finally made it back to the city he began to preach and teach the Tenement Gospel to all the people, saying,

22 Times up! Pencils down! The kingdom of God does not and cannot draw near because it is already here. Open your eyes and your hearts and live in the abundance you were intended to live in.

23 Then Jesus went past the public pier at the Sea of Galilee and spotted Pete and Juan doing trash pick-up with a couple of Sheriffs watching.

24 And Jesus said to them, Quick! The sheriffs are not watching! Come with me if you want to live.

25 And Pete and Juan did as Jesus had instructed them, paying no mind to the fact that their sentence of community service just turned into an extended jail term.

26 Walking along with Jesus they came upon Jaime and Mac Daddy trying to steal the shiny, low-rider rims from a horse cart.

27 And Jesus said to them, Quick! Your neighbor just called the cops! Come with me if you want to stay out of jail.

28 Sticking to this particular plan of action Jesus picked twelve men for his motorcycle club, and when he was finished suckering people into following him he walked into the temple meaning to pick a fight with the scribes and Pharisees.

29 Immediately upon entering the temple a man who was a Pharisee whom Jesus had earlier beaten for looking at him wrong cried out in terror, saying,

30 What’d I do? What’d I do? And Jesus said,

31 You know what you did, you prick. Now shut the hell up! The big people are talking. And the scribes and Pharisees were very angry with Jesus for they were not in the least bit familiar with people treating them in such a manner. It was always vice versa.

32 And Jesus preached the Tenement Gospel in the temple, but the scribes and Pharisees did not stop him for they were afraid of him since he showed no fear in their presence.

33 After Jesus had left that place he walked to another city and preached to them and gave them free healthcare and satellite television.

34 Then in the projects of Capernaum a man approached Jesus and said, Lord, I am addicted to crack. Please heal me!

35 As you wish, said Jesus as he hit the man exceedingly hard in the face. The man fell to the ground in pain and asked Jesus why he had done that. And Jesus said,

36 You asked for help, so I helped you by knocking some sense into you.

37 And the man’s face lit with joy for he did feel smarter.

38 And the healed crack addict traveled far and wide, telling everyone of his miracle healing while buying small baggies of crystal meth to smoke.

Chapter 2

1 Then Jesus went to the city of Ephedra to his pal’s home. Word spread quickly through the city that Jesus was in the house and massive crowds very quickly surged to where Jesus was.

2 And while Jesus was preaching to the crowds a paralyzed man was catapulted through a bay window since there was no other way in. And Jesus said,

3 Nice. Real nice, fellas. So I guess you thought you were being slick by getting him in this way, huh?

4 Please, Jesus, pleaded the man’s friends, Heal our friend of his condition.

5 Then Jesus said to them, Your friend no longer has a condition. He’s dead, you assholes! You can’t just catapult a guy, a paralyzed guy at that, through a bay window and expect him to live. Who does that?

6 And the men marveled at the wisdom with which Jesus spoke.

7 See this situation here today and know that this is exactly what happens when you are so used to letting people think for you. After a while you not only forget about thinking for yourself, but whatever it is you do end up thinking it isn’t very legit.

8 A scribe and a Pharisee who were sitting nearby leapt to their feet and shouted at Jesus, How can you say such blasphemy? We are the one to think for the people as they do not have the gumption to do so for themselves!

9 Jesus rebuked them saying, Of course they can think for themselves! And the more they realize this the better they will get with their decision making. For generations you have lied to them telling them they cannot think or do much on their own.

10 And the scribes and Pharisees were angry for they knew that their time of controlling the minds of men was drawing to a close.

11 Later that day Jesus and his disciples barbecued in Pete’s backyard. And the scribes and Pharisees saw this and asked Jesus, Why do you communicate with such men? Have you not looked at the clothes they wear and the things that they do?

12 And Jesus said, Vipers and whores of the Gospel of Disaster! How dare you speak of these men in such a manner! What they wear and what they do have absolutely dick to do with the good men that they are,

13 But, ya’ll fuckers wouldn’t know this because you have little black hearts and cannot see past the dark desires of your own lust for power.

14 The Pharisees asked Jesus why he was not fasting, and Jesus said, Well, that would be because I am hungry, you dig? Isn’t that the general idea when it comes to eating? If I had wanted to fast I would have gotten into a car.

15 And a while later Jesus and the disciples were walking through the fields and began to pick carrots and sugar beets and ate them. And the Pharisees were angry, saying,

16 You are doing work! Why are you doing work when it is the Sabbath and ain’t no one supposed to be workin’? For this is the law of what we believe. And Jesus said,

17 Good for fuckin’ you, then. Go right on ahead and follow your own rules and don’t bother me about following through with your stupid little ceremonies, because they are your beliefs and not mine,

18 For a man does not live his life to be pleasing to others or to yield to their supposed religious authority. Each man must live to find and experience the pleasing joy in his own heart according to his own will.

Chapter 3

1 After some time Jesus took to roaming the streets, extorting from whomever he could, and collecting dues from the dealers that worked the corners in his tenement neighborhood. And he came upon a young child with a withered, fucked up hand.

2 The scribes and Pharisees watched Jesus closely thinking that should they catch him using black magic they could have him arrested.

3 And Jesus said to the child with the withered hand, That is exactly what you get for playing video games for six straight days. And the child said,

4 Lord, heal me of my affliction. And Jesus said,

5 Why? So you can go back home and wither it again playing freakin’ Warcraft for a month? Screw that. You were stupid enough to play for that long so now you can deal with the consequences. Get the hell out of my face.

6 The Pharisees said to Jesus, How is it that you found this child unworthy of healing? You have healed oodles of other people. What makes this kid different? And Jesus said,

7 You know what? Not three seconds ago you were thinking of how much you would like to see me perform a miracle so you could accuse me of using black magic. Now you are trying to dog me for not healing some asshole kid who doesn’t deserve it.

8 No one can win for losin’ with you assholes! So, shut the fuck up, sneered Jesus. Ya’ll always want things your way, right away. And when you see your can’t have something one way you go about trying to get it the other way. That will not work.

9 Then Jesus and his disciples boarded a jet plane and flew to a neighboring city for the time of the Marti Gras celebration, but when Jesus deplaned and saw the paparazzi and the swarming crowds he knew that his celebration wouldn’t be that fun,

10 For the crowds that followed and sought out Jesus were in constant need of some miracle or other and hunted Jesus down with amazing precision. So, Jesus always ended up preaching and giving them free healthcare.

11 Then did Jesus give to the disciples the authority to preach the Tenement Gospel and the authority to heal. This way at least a little pressure was taken off of Jesus.

12 And Jesus became close with his disciples and gave them all nicknames according to their personal habits: Webster reminded Jesus of his favorite baseball player so he called him ‘Mookie’, J-Dog was a voyeur so he called him ‘Lookie’,

13 Lou was constantly stepping in the shit of some animal or other so he called him ‘Dookie’, M’Tew was always screwing around with any number of women so he was called ‘Nookie’,

14 Carlos never wiped his ass very well and as a result always smelled like shit so he was called ‘Poopy’, Mufasa loved to smoke anything he could jam into his bong and so he was called ‘Toekie’, Koresh was as insane as a person could get so he was called ‘Loopy’,

15 Jaime always came across like he was just born yesterday and didn’t know what the hell was going on so he was called ‘Stoopie’, Judes usually had some kind of suspicious plan up his sleeve and he was called ‘Sneaky’,

16 Mac Daddy had urethra issues and didn’t always make it to the bathroom in time so he was called ‘Leaky’, Juan was constantly cracking off farts like a fourth of July celebration and he was called ‘Stinky’, and Pete loved to smoke mow so he was called ‘Doobie’.

17 The scribes and the Pharisees had taken to accusing Jesus of using black magic to heal people and give them free healthcare. And Jesus said to them,

18 Why don’t you tell me how that works, ‘aight? Because black magic is indicative of using power to do bad things. I do good things with power, like healing people. Explain that to me,

19 For verily I say unto you that your line of thinking is about as stupid and ridiculous as trying to start a campfire under water.

20 And behold, have you ever heard of a thief who breaks into a home to place money in it or jewels in it? Of course not! Because he is a thief; thieves take things, not give them.

21 So it is the same with the magical powers of the universe. If it is black magic then it is harmful and hurtful. If it is white magic then it is compassionate and healing and giving.

19 But the scribes and Pharisees could not explain their claim because they knew they were wrong and making no goddamn sense whatsoever with their accusations.

Chapter 4

1 Then Jesus instructed his disciples to take him on a boat a short ways from the shore, for he wanted to preach to the crowds the Tenement Gospel without having the crowds press upon him like he was a member of the Beatles.

2 And Jesus found it amusing to speak to the crowds in a manner that was circular in reasoning and difficult to understand, for the looks of confusion on their faces was absolutely priceless.

3 And Jesus said, Behold, a blackjack dealer went out to deal blackjack, and as he dealt the cards some fell off of the table. The floor supervisor who kept having to come over and pick up the cards asked the dealer where the hell they had learned how to deal.

4 As the dealer dealt it became clear that he did not possess very good math skills, for he kept having trouble paying the blackjacks which have a payout of three to two. Then when it was time for the hand shuffle the dealer messed that up as well,

5 For the double deck shuffle he was supposed to do was plug, strip, riffle, riffle, strip, riffle, riffle, riffle, and not plug, riffle, riffle, strip, strip, riffle, riffle, riffle, strip, riffle, riffle.

6 When it was time for the table to close the floor supervisor discovered that the rack was short by ten thousand dollars, and he had to sit there an extra twenty minutes in order to evenly spread the missing money amongst the players who had played at that table.

7 He who has ears to be hearin’ what I’m saying but doesn’t wish to be bothered right now, you may pick up the video notes for this sermon for two silver pieces down at the video store or local GaulMart.

8 When Jesus and the disciples had left the crowd his disciples asked him, Lord, what in the name of Sam Hill did that sermon mean? Blackjack dealers and bad card shuffles and missing money? That makes zero sense.

9 I know, said Jesus, I am just trying to prove a point that when people think you are holy or think you have the answers to everything they will take whatever you say and make some kind of religious correlation with it. Watch, it will be in the morning paper.

10 The next morning the disciples awoke early and waited for the paperboy. After receiving the morning edition of ‘The Nazareth Nonsense’, the disciples ran with it to the breakfast table and read it while they drank their coffee.

11 Listen to this, said Mufasa, This headline reads ‘Son of God Confirms Gambling is Evil’. It says that Jesus of Nazareth ordered all Christian followers that in order to show their true faith they must stay away from blackjack dealers, or else they may find their eternal salvation in jeopardy.

12 Jesus never said anything even remotely similar to that, said Koresh.

13 Then Carlos said, Holy crap! You were totally right, Jesus. They did take what you said and twisted it into something completely and totally irrelevant. And Jesus said,

14 And this is the lesson I have for you, my disciples, to not be fooled or swayed into thinking it is okay and a good idea to ascribe bullshit meanings to anything I have to say or anything that I do,

15 For the Gospel of Disaster states to their prisoners to be wary of false prophets who take the words of God and meld them into something terrible and suppressive.

16 Yet what they fail to realize is that their own faith and interpretations of what God has said are rife with misunderstandings, misquotes, and straight up lies.

17 In effect, they should be warning everyone about themselves and their inconsistent fundamentalist ravings that inevitably piss people off and start problems.

18 This is how they are able to maintain such a powerful hold on their congregations…through fear and misinterpreted religious text. Of course, first they get people to trust them, you know?

19 They set up cutesy little meetings and build gi-normous, palatial churches and they tell people exactly what they want to hear. Then on top of that they serve up their prisoners with a good, heaping helping of self-righteousness mixed with a little cockiness,

20 For they continually tell themselves that they have the one and only correct answer and solution to all bad things in the universe. But it is all crap. Their entire interpretation of salvation is built on saving your ass from eternal damnation. Stupid.

21 Nothing good ever comes with building something on fear.

22 But those who would preach the Gospel of Disaster find great joy in the control they garner over the prisoners of their faith, and they continually feed the fear they have created by saying,

23 Lo! It is written that should you converse with people who do not believe in a specific God of a specific faith you shall be contaminated. And if you listen to the music of unbelievers and dress as they do and participate in recreation as they do then you are lost to God.

24 But all of these things are lies told to people with searching, but weak hearts. And people believe it for they do not know any better and they truly think they are being servants of God when that simply is not the case,

25 For they are only being servants to the fear of dying eternal death. They do not understand the lie of eternal death.

Chapter 5

1 Then did Jesus continue to preach the Tenement Gospel to the crowds as they followed him, saying,

2 Blessed are those seers and sorcerers that do not charge for rendering their gift, for this is exactly how you will know the fake ones from the real ones,

3 And never believe a psychic who claims to have predicted many terrible things that have happened, for if they really knew something before hand they would try a lot harder to prevent bad shit from happening to good people.

4 Blessed is the television remote control, for sometimes it is just not worth the effort to peel your ass off the couch and change the channel manually.

5 Verily I say unto you that you should not mix your beer and liquors when you party, for if you do you will be praying to the porcelain God for at least an entire day.

6 Behold, the parent who instructs their children to not hit each other lest they be hit by their parent is a hypocrite.

7 Know that it is written that when store isles are crowded during the holidays and you must get to a product you must break wind in that isle, wait for it to be rid of the screaming, gagging customers, and then go and get whatever it is you need.

8 And blessed is the woman who does not try to speak any amount of sense into a man, for she knows that a man isn’t going to listen anyways, so why waste the breath and the calories on a wasted effort?

9 Never be so wise as to outsmart yourself, for then you will appear to all others as a complete and total jackass.

10 Verily I say unto you that if you are wise you will listen to those little gut feelings you get from time to time, for the moment that you don’t listen is the moment something really screwy happens and you regret not listening to yourself.

11 Behold, when the Mega Lotto is worth one hundred million dollars or more you can bet that some little old blue haired lady from Arizona will probably be the one to win it.

12 Blessed is the man who has no kids and no friends for then he can always walk about his house in his underwear.

13 Verily I say unto you that when you are watching a hack ‘em up movie where twelve friends go into a possessed forest to camp, not only will their cell phones not work, their GPS not work, their weapons not work, their hiding places not work,

14 The traps that they build for the bad guy not work, and trying to talk the bad guy out of whatever he is doing not work, but only two of the original twelve will survive the trip. And yes, the cops always arrive right as the survivors kill the bad guy or right after.

15 Behold, know that there is nothing wrong with a woman being in love with another woman. Just know that some women are every bit as bad, if not worse, than men who are players and consistently break heart after heart.

16 Blessed are year-round schools, for most parents cannot handle their children having three straight months off in the summertime.

17 And understand that whether or not a man believes he has something or nothing at all, he has everything… as do all men.

18 The kingdom of God is like a shoe shop, for it has lots and lots of souls.

19 The Gospel of Disaster is like an illegal sweatshop, for it will scare you to death, work you to death, and never pay you what it promised in return for your efforts.

20 Verily I say unto you that an abuser of drugs is an abuser of self who will only find out the hard way that they could have done something much better with their life.

21 Behold, A Tisket A Tasket was the first big hit for jazz queen Ella Fitzgerald who, in my opinion, sang the absolutely best version of the song ‘Stars Fell on Alabama Last Night’.

22 Blessed are tailgate parties, for even though you are not at the game, you are at the game.

23 He who has ears to hear, big whoop. Lots of people have ears to hear with.

24 Verily I say unto you that the seed of the marijuana plant is of the most coveted on earth, for when it is sewn and then becomes a great plant it shall be viewed as the greatest of all herbs as it soothes the soul of every savage beast.

Chapter 6

1 Then did Jesus and his disciples pass from that area and into the barrios of Nazareth in order that they might teach and preach the Tenement Gospel there.

2 And as Jesus stopped by a mini-mart for some coffee he was approached by a bum who was obviously possessed. And Jesus asked that which dwelt inside the man, Who are you?

3 And that which dwelt inside the man said, Sybil is my name since I am many. Jesus then commanded the evil spirits to leave the bum, and when the spirits did so Jesus sent them into a group of politicians that were loitering nearby.

4 Then Jesus continued to preach the Tenement Gospel and to heal the sick and injured by giving them free healthcare. And all the people were amazed at Jesus’ wisdom and his compassion and willingness to heal everyone without HMO fees or other hidden costs.

5 And behold, there were people who entreated Jesus to heal them and to make them rich, but Jesus told them, I cannot for you do not believe, for in order to be healed and to be wealthy you must first believe that it is done. You do not believe so.

6 Jesus then informed the disciples that when people asked them about the Tenement Gospel they were to immediately tell that person everything,

7 But if a person did not ask to hear the Tenement Gospel the disciples were not to tell them about anything, for proselytizing salesmen who feel the need to cram their jumbalaya down the throats of all they cross are worse than annoying.

8 And Jesus and the disciples found it necessary to take a boat to the next city for the crowds following them made their travel upon land somewhat difficult.

9 Then during the night as the boat moved upon the waters there came a violent storm, and the disciples were scared little chicken shits and went to Jesus who was sleeping and said,

10 What the hell is wrong with you? Do you not see that a violent storm rages? And Jesus said,

11 What do you think this is? The prefect storm? Hurricane Katrina? You bunch of pussies go back to sleep! I have been healing the sick and raising the dead, do you think I am going to let you die in a storm? Go away, you bother me!

12 And the disciples felt silly for bothering Jesus about something so menial, well that and the fact that Jesus called them pussies.

13 When their boat landed Jesus and the disciples made ready to leave the boat and preach the Tenement Gospel to the people, but the Port Customs inspectors held them onboard for an extra three hours while they searched for pot that was rumored to be onboard.

14 But after they found nothing they left Jesus and his disciples to their own devices.

15 After the Port Customs inspectors had left Mufasa turned to Jesus and asked him where he had hidden the seventeen pounds of mow they had purchased at the previous town. And Jesus said,

16 In the barrels of fish, see? I put the mow in these super duty plastic zip-baggies that can be attached to a vacuum cleaner for easier storage, and then pushed them into the barrel. I knew they wouldn’t look there.

Chapter 7

1 When the scribes and Pharisees heard that Jesus and his disciples were in town they gathered together and went out to see them with the express intent of starting trouble.

2 Arriving at the barbecue that one of the citizens was throwing for Jesus and his disciples, the scribes and Pharisees joined the party and saw that Jesus and his disciples were eating many different meats and drinking many different drinks.

3 And a Pharisee approached Jesus and asked, Do you not know that it is forbidden to eat of so many different types of meats and drink of drinks that are stronger than wine?

4 Jesus turned to the Pharisee and said, If you wish to live by such constrictions, then by all means feel free. Go on and knock your bad self out. Just don’t expect all other people to do what you do.

5 And a scribe approached Jesus and said, Is it not required by our faith? And Jesus said,

6 It is required by your faith, not mine. I may eat whatever I wish to eat and drink whatever I wish to drink for my salvation or the salvation of others does not hinge upon those things I put into my body for sustenance.

7 And the Pharisee challenged, Then how will men know that you are of God if you eat as the Gentiles eat? And Jesus said,

8 I could give a monkey shit what other people think about me or my connection with God. That is between me and God and none of their business whatsoever. Developing strange customs and special rules and regulations does not make someone a man of God,

9 For anyone with half a brain will know a man of God by the content of his heart and in the way he treats himself and others. Customs, clothes, rules, and regulations do not make the man holy no matter how you twist your scriptures to say so.

10 And the scribes and Pharisees were angry with Jesus for they knew he was right. And they left the place where Jesus and his disciples were, plotting amongst themselves that they may find a way to destroy Jesus.

11 Back at the barbecue Jesus was teaching the Tenement Gospel to those who would hear, saying,

12 It has been written that there will be men who claim to know the mind of God and claim to know the practices of God, but I say to you that each man will know God according to how God moves in his own heart.

13 Some men believe that in order for them to be considered godly they must practice things that other men do not, or they believe they must not do things that other men do in order that they look different than others.

14 This is truly false judgment, for appearances mean absolutely dick when it comes to revealing whether or not a man is truly a man of God.

15 But the proponents of the Gospel of Disaster point to those around them whom they do not like and they say, Look at that man who does not do this, and look at that man who does that.

16 The prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster are lost in their own drive to find that appearance which suits them best. They do not see themselves for the assholes and idiots that they are.

17 For any man who judges another before first looking at the content of the man’s heart is a mutha sucka who don’t be deserving the time of your day.

18 And these same men tell you to forsake the traditions of men and pick up the traditions of the commandments of God, but this is wrong,

19 For the same men who tell you to pick up the commandments of God are the same men who are the ones interpreting what they think the commandments of God are, and that is a rather huge conflict of interest.

20 Blessed is the man who knows that it is the overindulgence of a man that stands to destroy and defile him, and this is for any practice or tradition or action, yea, even the overindulgence of religion taken to unhealthy and divisionary lengths.

21 And should a man desire to quell his overindulgence and resituate his heart all he needs to do is open his mind and open his heart fully to everything around him that is God and of God and for God and to God, yea even the God in himself,

22 And then in doing so shall the wickedness of a selfish mind and stingy heart be dispelled from all that he is, and from all that he does, and from all that he desires, and from all that he receives, yea even from all that he gives.

Chapter 8

1 Then did Jesus leave that city and hitchhike with his disciples down the Ephesus Turnpike and Toll Road to the city of Halfacapapopulous where great crowds met Jesus.

2 And Jesus did minister to the crowds there for many long hours and preached the Tenement Gospel. Then did the disciples say to Jesus,

3 Lord, night time is coming on and the crowds have not yet eaten. Should we tell them to sit and wait for you to split three bread rolls and a handful of sardines between six thousand people? And Jesus said,

4 What the fuck do I look like, a fuckin’ travel along restaurant? You want me to whip out my magical supermarket and barbecue grill? What the hell, man! These people walked all the way the fuck out here and didn’t bring any fuckin’ thing to eat?

5 Whoa! Jesus, man! Dude, calm down! Said Mufasa handing Jesus a nice, fat doobie. Smoke this, man, said Mufasa. And Jesus inhaled deeply of the blessed mow in the roll before him,

6 And in just a few minutes Jesus was far happier than he had been in minutes. Then, his anger over the freeloading crowds long forgotten in a haze of the tangy smell of the mow, Jesus smiled broadly and said,

7 I’m hungry, man. Let’s eat. And before the seated people of the crowd appeared Fritos, Cheesepuffs, chocolate and peanut butter candies, soda pop, string cheese, Smarties candies, Hot Pockets, and Capri Sun drinks.

8 And the people ate and were satisfied even though the meal was not particularly nutritious.

9 Then did Jesus and the disciples leave the crowds as they were eating for they were sick and tired of picking up the messes that the crowds inevitably left behind every time they ate a meal.

10 A while later, Jesus and his disciples were at the racetrack in Capernaum, betting on horse number three that had the name of Boot Scootin’ Boogie.

11 When the scribes and the Pharisees heard Jesus was at the track they went there with the intentions of pissing Jesus off and tricking him into showing them a sign of the magical powers he possessed knowledge of.

12 But the scribes and Pharisees were disappointed with their venture to find Jesus at the track, for by the time they got there Jesus’ horse had already raced and won, and shortly after Jesus and his disciples had left the race track.

13 It took some skill and some good old fashioned Sherlock Holmes luck, but the scribes and Pharisees finally tracked Jesus and his disciples down at the Dave and Buster’s in the town of Dexatrimopopulous.

14 And the scribes and Pharisees saw Jesus playing Guitar Hero and totally smoking everyone he played against. Trying to goad Jesus into using some of his magic to give them a sign they said to him,

15 Ah, Jesus, using a little of your magic there to beat everyone, huh? We thought you were only supposed to use your magic for good things in order for it to still be considered White Magic? And Jesus said,

16 I don’t need magic of any kind to beat anyone at this game. I totally rule at this game and I won the championship for Guitar Hero just last month in Las Vegas. Here, watch this. Then Jesus proceeded to play faster than anyone ever had before.

17 Three and a half hours later Jesus, the disciples, the scribes, and the Pharisees were ushered out of the Dave and Buster’s by the manager as it was closing time.

18 The scribes and Pharisees looked forlorn for every attempt they had made to trick Jesus into giving them a sign had failed.

19 Looking at the forlorn faces of the scribes and Pharisees made Jesus smile, and he walked up to them, saying, Look guys, I know you have been trying like hell to get me to show you a sign. So, I have decided to give you one.

20 The scribes and Pharisees looked at Jesus with something very much like gratitude, and said, Really?

21 Yes, said Jesus as he handed the head Pharisee a large poster board.

22 The head Pharisee asked Jesus, What is this?

23 And Jesus said, Behold, this is your sign, asshole! Then Jesus and the disciples sped away in their taxis, shrieking laughter. Koresh was sitting next to Jesus in his cab and asked Jesus what the sign had said. Jesus responded,

24 It said ‘losers’.

Chapter 9

1 Sometime later Jesus and the disciples were passing around a mega-sized doobie with especially good mow while they were walking in the projects of Decapapopulous, and Mufasa asked Jesus who his favorite superhero or supervillan was and Jesus said,

2 Verily I say unto you, that’s hard to say because I like so many of them. I absolutely adore Wonder Woman, I mean…who doesn’t? The woman is freakin’ hot! Then there is the Incredible Hulk, you gotta love him, too, right? You won’t like me when I’m mad! Hah!

3 Then, behold! There is Cat Woman, the Bionic Woman, Captain America, and Superman. Also, blessed be Spiderman for he is forever doin’ everything he can to bring justice to those who need it most.

4 Then Jesus said to the disciples, Truly I say unto you that just like many of my favorite heroes and villains I must be set to task and made to suffer so that the people of the world may see the stupid shit that they do to each other on a regular basis.

5 And then did the disciples become upset, saying, No! Lord this cannot be so! Let the idiots of the world suffer their own consequences, for you are not responsible for their stupid decisions and atrocious actions.

6 Jesus said, Behold! For some reason or another my old man, God, has decided that writing the script to read that I am nailed to a cross and sacrificed for the sins of all men will somehow fix a whole bunch of the shit that is wrong with many people.

7 Merrily I say unto you that when you get people into positions of power where they don’t know what the fuck they are doing they inevitably say that they need sacrifice and blood in order to save everything and everyone from some really bad end.

8 For even the nut-ball leader of the Branch Davidians allowed all of the disavowed and lost sheep of his flock to burn to the ground, in a school bus buried underground, no less.

9 I mean, really. Who does that shit?

10 And Mufasa said, Apparently your old man does that shit. Is there any way you can convince him to do otherwise? You know, come up with a different plan and present it to him?

11 Then did Jesus’ eyes light up as what he thought to be quite a good idea entered into his mind. And Jesus said, why don’t we just change it ourselves? I mean, we can only make it better, right?

12 And Koresh said, Isn’t that the truth! Seriously, anything we can come up with has got to be better than letting’ you get nailed to some wood just so that maybe the fallen of the world can believe in you and maybe be saved from some maybe end of the world.

13 Then did Carlos add, I have a problem with all of this ‘maybe’ stuff, you know? I mean, with all of this supposed sacrifice that is supposed to take place I want some damned guarantees about something, right?

14 Well, said Jesus, The only thing my old man will guarantee is that people will be fightin’ over all of this shit pretty much forever and ever.

15 That doesn’t sound like a very good guarantee, said Lou. Can’t you get God to at least throw in some free pizza for life and free universal cable television for life? What good is sacrifice if it is not valid for all individuals involved?

16 It is valid for all individuals involved, said Mac Daddy, And all that needs to happen in order for that to happen is for all individuals involved to believe.

17 That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard, said Lou. There is no way whatsoever all of the people in the world are going to believe in this stupidly plotted salvation crap.

18 Besides, said Webster, It sounds to me like most of these mother fuckers who need this supposed salvation aren’t going to take it anyways. Hasn’t God learned that people can hardly agree on the time of day?

19 You know what I don’t get, said Judes, If God knows that some people aren’t going to go for this grand salvation thing of his, why doesn’t he come up with something everyone will want? And why does he damn some people from the very beginning? That isn’t fair!

20 Ahh, said Jesus as he nodded knowingly, He told you already?

21 Judes nodded sadly, Yes. He told me. Frankly, I think it is some of the biggest bullshit ever. I mean, don’t I get a choice in this? You’re my friend, Jesus. I don’t want to do to you what he is telling me to do to you.

22 Pete looked from Jesus to Judes and then asked, What are you talking about? You don’t want to do what? Who told you to do something to Jesus?

23 God did, answered Judes. He said he wants me to turn Jesus over to the scribes and Pharisees for thirty fucking pieces of silver. Thirty measly pieces of silver. That isn’t even enough to buy a freakin’ Playstation.

24 Whoa, whoa! What the fuck is this shit about turning Jesus over to the scribes and Pharisees? This had better be a joke, Judes, ‘cause if it isn’t I’m gonna make you wish to fuck it were a joke!

25 Jesus laughed, Dude take it down a notch! You sure get wound up tight, Pete. Relax. We’re talking about formulating a plan to avoid all this crap. Geeze, relax.

26 Yeah, said Jaime, Go to the doctor’s and ask for a prescription of Xanax, or something. Better yet, Quaaludes or Oxy Contin…oh, look! I have some here with me. Take these, said Jaime as he handed Pete a couple of small, pinkish pills.

27 M’Tew asked Jesus, So, what do we do now?

28 Tell you what, said Jesus, I have some errands that I really, really need to run, ‘aight? Let me go do what I need to do and then we can all meet up later at Pete’s house. Until then, all of you come up with some ideas as to how we should handle this.

29 And Webster asked Jesus, How come we always meet up at Pete’s house? What is so cool and special about his house? And Jesus answered,

30 Because Pete’s mom doesn’t mind if we want to smoke mow.

31 Good point, said Webster. See you there.

Chapter 10

1 After Jesus and the disciples parted company, Pete went and informed his mother of the upcoming meeting at their house so she wouldn’t be surprised, and so that she could properly set up for the gathering.

2 Pete’s mother set out her best paper plates and matching napkins, ordered two kegs of beer, made sure there were plenty of bongs in varying sizes available, set out a vast array of junk food, and painstakingly rolled large doobie after large doobie.

3 Just as Pete’s mother finished setting out bowls of doobies that held the best mow ever Jesus arrived. Within five minutes of Jesus’ arrival all of the disciples were present.

4 Jesus gathered everyone around the table and said, Please don’t light up yet. Everyone bow your heads for a moment of prayer. Jesus prayed, God, I am not quite sure what you expect to accomplish if we continue to do things the way you want them to be done,

5 Because, frankly speaking, your solution to things is totally fucked up. I have no idea who taught you how to be God, but anyone with half of a brain knows that you cannot fix something that is bad with something that is even worse. So,

6 We have decided to take things into our own hands and devise a plan that does not include me dying or Judes turning me into Interpol. Amen.

7 Amen, said all the disciples in unison. Then they all sat down together and commenced to lightin’ up their doobies. Once everyone was deeply inhaling the smoke of the most glorious mow Jesus spoke,

8 So, gentlemen, let’s hear some of your idea solutions to our problem at hand. Since it’s Pete’s house let’s start with him. Pete, whatcha’ got for us?

9 Through the pleasant haze of his high Pete said, I was thinking about the witness protection programs that people are known to use from time to time. You know, new city, new name, new everything. Jesus said,

10 Well, if we use witness protection then I can’t be in contact with you guys. That would totally suck. Of course, they could put all of us in the program together.

11 Jaime said, Don’t witness protection programs generally fuck up sooner or later, give away the locations of their people, and inadvertently end up getting them killed? Remember that movie ‘Eraser’ with Vanessa Williams?

12 Good point, said Jesus. Sorry Pete. Your idea has been reviewed, considered, and summarily over-ridden. How about you, Juan? Whatcha’ got for us?

13 Juan said, What if we kill all the scribes and Pharisees before they kill you, Jesus?

14 And Jesus answered, Juan, we are supposed to be solving the problem and not making it bigger. Absolutely no killing, got it?

15 Webster asked, What if we do something to stop the crucifixions?

16 J-Dog laughed and said, Like fuckin’ what? Drop a neutron bomb? Why not, right? It sounds feasible.

17 Jesus said, Stop it, you guys. This is counter-productive. Koresh, what idea do you have? And Koresh answered,

18 I think we should leave the country and the region and never come back, for once they realize we are gone they will forever be on the lookout for us.

19 Jesus looked thoughtful for a moment, and then the moment passed and he said, I like that idea. How can we pull it off? The scribes and Pharisees have already warned border agents and airport officials to not allow us to leave the country.

20 Mufasa said, We’ll just have to figure out a really good way to disguise ourselves. And, Jesus, I know you don’t want anyone to get killed and all, but we have to have someone take our places just so no one is the wiser,

21 For once we are out of the country it doesn’t matter. But until then, we need some ringers so no one gets suspicious and shuts all exit points down.

22 Everyone was nodding in agreement. So it is settled, said Jesus. We will leave the country. Now, where will we go?

23 I wouldn’t recommend anywhere in the Middle East or the Mediterranean, said Webster. No shit, Sherlock, said J-Dog.

24 I don’t think we should go anywhere where it snows, said Carlos. I hate the snow. It’s just too damn cold. In fact, anything under seventy degrees is too cold. Then again, we don’t want to pick another desert area like where we are now. The heat can be just as fucking bad, man.

25 All of the disciples nodded in agreement. Then M’Tew said, What about Florida, you know, somewhere like Boca Raton or Pensacola?

26 Well, Jesus hesitated, those are nice areas, but lots of journalists are covering the scams that are always being run from there. We might get accidental media coverage, just like Whoopi Goldberg’s character did in the first Sister Act movie where the bad guys found out where she was from a simple news coverage.

27 What about Bermuda? Asked Pete. It’s absolutely gorgeous.

28 True, said Jesus, But they have that creepy ‘Bermuda Triangle’ thing goin’.

29 J-Dog asked, What about somewhere in Africa? Its got to have, what, fifty different countries? Jesus snorted laughter and said,

30 Africa? Are you nuts? Not only is anywhere in Africa way too close to where we are now, but the entire continent is destitute, disease riddled, and has about sixteen different countries that are in constant threat of military coups damn near every day.

31 Webster said, South America has a lot of nice places. How about Rio in Brazil?

32 Jesus shook his head and said, No way, man. People in South America are always getting kidnapped by that freakin’ FARC group and held for ransom. Consider who my father is and you’ll see that I would be the kidnap prize of all kidnap prizes.

33 Judes said, That’s very true. Well, how about Hawaii? I read that it is incredibly beautiful there, has great scenery as well as fantastic fishing. There are several islands, quite a few we can have all to ourselves.

34 Humm, mused Jesus. I like the sound of Hawaii. And since most people still think the world is flat we won’t be bothered by tourists for a long ass time. Alright, gentlemen, said Jesus as he raised his glass of beer, To Hawaii!

35 The disciples raised their glasses of beer and said, To Hawaii!

Chapter 11

1 It came to pass that Jesus and the disciples went into Judea and traveled toward the River Jordache. And, of course, as soon as the people heard Jesus was in town they flocked to him that they might hear his wisdom and be healed of their sicknesses.

2 When the scribes and the Pharisees heard that Jesus was in town they too went out to him that they might become thorns in his side by stirring up the crowds.

3 And the Pharisees asked Jesus whether or not it was lawful for a man and a man or a woman and a woman to marry, tempting Jesus to speak against that which they held to be true religion.

4 Jesus answered them by asking, What do your laws say? Do they not say that only a man and a woman shall marry? But what of those women who love women and the men who love men, what of these? Do they not know what love is?

5 For what right does the law of any man or country have to delegate where love may and may not apply, depending on the gender of the individuals desiring to love? Who is any man to tell another whether or not he may be conquered by love?

6 Do you not know the tenets of your own disastrous faith? Do you not claim that love conquers all? Is not gender included in all?

7 And the scribes and Pharisees said unto Jesus, But it is written in the laws of Moses that a woman shall not lie with a woman and a man shall not lie with a man and suffer to live, for such is an abomination to God!

8 And Jesus became angry with them, saying, What the fuck is your fucking problem? Has a man asked you to love him? Are you asking to cease your love with a man?

9 Love has moved in your heart according to the gender you desire. No one is asking for you to lie with a man, but simply to be given the same rights of the same laws as those who would love members of the opposite sex.

10 You think that all should be as you for you hold yourselves to be so high in the eyes of all that comprises what God is, yet you are mistaken. The hardness of your hearts is proof that you are mistaken.

11 It is so that from the beginning of all of creation that God has set no limits upon love and no requirement upon love, for to do so would be to do so unto God. And it is true that God possesses no limits and no requirements, foh-shizzle this be true.

12 And it is for these reasons that if two people wish to be married, regardless of their genders, they shall do so and become one in the love that they share with and for one another.

13 For God is love and love conquers all. Therefore, what love has brought together shall no man and no law and no interpretation of any laws by any man pull asunder.

14 It was that as Jesus taught the Tenement Gospel that many young children came unto him and asked him, Lord, what shall we do that we may honor both God and our parents?

15 And Jesus said, In order that you honor God and all that comprises God in a faithful manner be sure that you live the joy within you to the fullest, and let it sustain you, and let it make great cause for you to give unto the world great things and many joys.

16 And in order that you should honor your mother and your father to the fullest so shall you be the very best that you can be, to the fullest of your joy and the compassion of love that fills your heart.

17 Verily I say unto you, if a man or a woman does not learn to love with all their heart as a child, and if a man or a woman does not learn to live their joy when they are but children, then so shall their lives as adults be that much harder and filled with senseless wrath.

18 Then did Jesus bless the children and send them on their way, saying, Do your absolute best in everything you do and the path you travel and things you discover and the people you meet shall be well for you and with you, ‘aight? Stay in school!

19 Then Jesus went out driving his horse cart on the road. And an Asian man driving erratically rear ended Jesus’ cart with his own oxen. And seeing what he had done the man threw himself before Jesus, saying,

20 Lord, forgive me! For I have always been a bad driver! I did not intend to cause you or what is yours harm. And the man shook mightily for his oxen were not registered, neither was he paid up on insurance. And Jesus said to the man,

21 Look, Hong, everyone makes mistakes, ‘aight? Everyone. The Gospel of Disaster says there is no one perfect save for God. Of course, one look at the platypus and I beg to differ, but anyways, don’t sweat it, you dig?

22 Getting angry never undoes a mistake but only increases the chances that mistake shall be remembered and held against the offending individual. Be forgiving. Be kind. Be loving. Besides, I don’t have registration or insurance either.

Chapter 12

1 Then Jesus came to a place known as The Windy City, for the inhabitants of the city all had a disorder of the lower intestines and were forever cracking off sulfurous methane emanations from morning to night, yea, even as they slept.

2 Being very careful to breathe through his mouth instead of his nose, Jesus began to minister the Tenement Gospel unto them, saying,

3 The Gospel of Disaster has delineated whatever it is that a man shall not do according to the civil and penal codes Moses brought down from Mount Cyanide,

4 Yet such instruction is incomplete as the leaders of men edited some commandments and removed some altogether.

5 Behold, I shall give unto you the knowledge and truth that was withheld from you by the very ones who were supposed to be giving it to you:

6 Thou shalt not kill unless the individual you are proposing to kill is really, really deserving of a death sentence.

7 Thou shalt not steal anything that is nailed down. Anything that you can pry loose does not qualify as being nailed down.

8 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife unless they practice open marriage and she is a total hottie.

9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against another unless you are really in a bind and need to save your ass.

10 Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and keep it holy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch professional football or go fishing.

11 Thou shalt not commit adultery unless the other person is drop-dead sexy.

12 Honor your mother and your father so long as their backs are not turned from you. As soon as they turn from you roll your eyes and stick your tongue out.

13 Thou shalt have no other Gods before me unless divine beings are listed in alphabetical order.

14 Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in vain, goddamn it, unless you are seriously pissed or in a lot of pain.

15 Thou shalt not blaspheme the Holy Spirit unless you have absolutely nothing better to do with your time.

16 Thou shalt not eat any fish caught off of the Shelter Island Pier unless you wish to shorten your lifespan by a good five years.

17 Thou shalt never drink milk that is expired by more than seven days or that already has the little cottage cheese globs forming in it.

18 Thou shalt have full satellite or cable television, for man cannot live on basic cable alone.

19 Thou shalt not trim your gnarled toenails with your teeth. Neither shall you dig the wax out of your ears with your fingernails.

20 Thou shalt remember Elvis’ birthday and keep it holy.

21 Thou shalt never believe anything any politician tells you, for they all lie through their teeth for the benefit of themselves.

22 Thou shalt fart in a crowded isle in order to clear a path to whatever it is you need.

23 Thou shalt never eat the sausage patties that the military cooks that come in a box marked ‘Meat No Preference’.

24 Thou shalt not ignore the power within you or be afraid of it. Instead, study it, practice it, and use it well to acquire the things you desire.

25 Thou shalt not threaten your children with spanking in order to get them to comply with your order to stop hitting each other. Think about it. You are basically saying that you are going to hit your kids if they don’t stop hitting each other.

26 Thou shalt forever know that O.J. Simpson is guilty as guilty can be.

27 Thou shalt not believe what happens in reality shows as everything is scripted down to the last detail.

28 Thou shalt never condone a faith based on fear.

29 Thou shalt not feel badly about breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend who was nowhere near the person you thought them to be, nor anywhere near the person they professed themselves to be.

30 Thou shalt use common sense, especially when dealing with particularly stupid people.

31 Thou shalt not ignore your gut reactions, gut feelings, or intuitions.

32 Thou shalt not mistreat those individuals who prefer to love those members of the same sex.

33 Thou shalt pay the Gospel of Disaster no mind at all should a prisoner of such try to cram such dogma down your throat.

34 Thou shalt never abandon family and friends just because they believe in God differently than you do, or even not believe in anything at all.

35 Thou shalt always drive any motorized vehicle like it is stolen.

36 Thou shat never ask a police officer if he has been eating doughnuts when he asks you if you have been drinking.

37 Thou shalt never light a match when covered with gasoline.

38 Thou shalt always be true to yourself for in doing so you will always be an honest person.

39 Thou shalt never eat an entire bag of chocolates and then ride the tilt-a-whirl.

40 Thou shalt not be so hard on yourself so as to picture yourself a failure, but rather picture yourself as a magnificent person who is full of creativity and the strength to endure and persevere and accomplish your every goal to the highest standard.

41 Thou shalt not sue fast food companies on the premise that they made you fat. That is pure stupidity. Neither shall you sue fast food companies for making the coffee too hot. It is supposed to be fucking hot.

42 And when Jesus was finished preaching the Tenement Gospel to those who listened he and the disciples very quickly left before the crowds could ask for anything to eat,

43 For Jesus and the disciples simply could not handle the smell of The Windy City any longer.

Chapter 13

1 It came to pass that Jesus and the disciples returned to the slums of Jerusalem. When the scribes and Pharisees heard this they left the temple to find Jesus so that they might question Jesus and get him to say something incriminating.

2 And a Pharisee asked Jesus, how is it that you have so much knowledge of healing and performing miracles? Where do you get this power or who taught it to you?

3 Jesus answered, Where do you think it comes from? Do you believe it comes from within me or from without me or from God or from Satan?

4 From Satan, cried the Pharisee in rage. It is written in our disastrous scriptures that a witch should not be suffered to live. This is the law of the Lord our God as so stated by Moses,

5 For every one of us knows that casting out demons, talking to the demons, walking on water, healing the sick, restoring sight, instantly repairing credit ratings, making things appear and disappear, speaking with ghosts, reading the minds of men,

6 Predicting the weather, raising people from the dead, reading the alignment of the stars, burning incense, casting spells, invoking spirits, speaking with the dead, seeing ghosts, predicting the future, and all other feats of magic are purely evil and condemned by the God of our Gospel of Disaster. And Jesus said,

7 Do you realize what hypocrites you all are and what a total fuck-up your precious Gospel of Disaster is? You say your God tells you through your scripture that all of these things are evil, but how can this be true?

8 For did not Moses speak to a bush burning in the desert? That is only the tip of the freakin’ ice berg. You say magic is evil and Satanic, but here is proof to the contrary: 9 When magicians in Pharaoh’s court turned their staffs into snakes, Aaron did the same and his staff that had turned into a snake ate the other staffs that had been turned into snakes;

10 When the children of Israel were meandering around in the desert and needed water Moses smacked a giant boulder with his staff and made water to come forth; Sampson was so strong he pushed the pillars of a temple to the point where they toppled over;

11 How about when the children of Israel were leaving Egypt and God followed them in a pillar of fire, or Joseph interpreting the dreams of the Pharaoh, or Gideon receiving a sign directly from God, or David defeating Goliath,

12 Or the three men put into the furnace by Nebuchadnezzar not dying or even getting burned in the least bit, or Joshua commanding the sun and moon to stop in their tracks so his army had extra light in order to fight better,

13 Or when the spirit of Samuel was called up from the dead, or the parting of the Red Sea, or requests by King David for divine protection? What about all those things? And that is just for starters, ‘aight?

14 One of my favorite things to point out in conversations such as this is the fact that you say it is evil and Satanic to read the stars in the heavens for signs and symbols, but then your half-assed Gospel of Disaster says to look for a sign that Jesus is born, a sign that just happens to be a star.

15 What kind of backwards shit is that? Seriously. Who does that? You can’t have it both ways, you assholes.

16 You can’t have all of these amazing miracles and incredible feats that are performed by your prophets or others and then turn around and tell someone who can do the same that they are evil or Satanic.

17 So, is it some kind of special club you can join where if you are good enough or special enough that you are not considered bad if you use magic? Is it one of those do as I say and not as I do, things?

18 Or maybe, just maybe your dumb asses are jealous that you have somehow misplaced the understanding of how to use your magic and you don’t like seeing others being able to do it when you can’t?

19 Maybe you don’t like the idea of people having such power because that would indicate that people have a hell of a lot more control to fix the wrong things in the world, to fix their mistakes, and to undo the stupid shit they gone and done did,

20 Because then ya’ll couldn’t be passin’ off the responsibility to make positive change onto some deity who is somewhere way far off.

21 You just don’t want to acknowledge the power within all people and the natural aptitude for magic because you don’t want to be responsible.

22 For you, oh lazy fuckers, you are more willing to pray for someone else, deity or no deity, to make changes to yourselves, your lives, and your communities than to get with the program and make the changes yourself.

23 Ya’ll are a bunch of lazy, double-speaking hypocrites. Get the fuck out of my face. People like you and all the other prisoners of the Gospel of Disaster never listen anyways, so get the fuck out of my face before I turn you into pimples and pop you.

24 And a scribe stepped forward and said, We know everything about the evil you represent and that you ignore rulers of authority, caring for no one other than yourself. You are smug anarchist bastard who encourages the governed to disobey all laws.

25 And Jesus said, It is no surprise you are reacting in the typical manner by taking things I have said and done and twisting them like a pretzel until they fit whatever malcontent you have seeded, are seeding, and will be seeding.

26 You purposely prey on the hearts and minds of men who really do not know any better than to trust you and your vicious spiritual crap.

27 You know as well as I, for you have heard my ministry message, that I have never advocated abusing or ignoring laws, but rather have consistently encouraged people to do what is right and just and compassionate.

28 I am not even going to humor you by trying to explain the truths I speak, let alone answer your stupid question. Why? Because time and again ya’ll have proven yourselfs to be completely closed off to anything I say.

29 So, like I said…fuck off.

Chapter 14

1 Then did Jesus and the disciples travel by rent-a-car to the barrios of Bethlehem in order that they might teach the losers there how to get their shit lives together and do something of value with themselves.

2 And Jesus began to preach in a ramshackle community park that sported dying lawns, broken playground equipment, a drinking fountain that hadn’t worked in decades, a considerable amount of trash, and basketball hoops that no longer had any nets on them.

3 And Jesus said, Bring me your questions and concerns so that I may minister unto you. Then a man stepped up to Jesus and asked, Lord, is it true that righteous men must by law tithe the temple or the church? Jesus answered,

4 No. That is just something money hungry preachers say in order to secure some extra income. There is no need to tithe unless it is something you choose to do of your own accord, and whether or not you do does not make you good or bad. So, don’t feel bad in the least bit about buying anything you want with your money.

5 Merrily I say unto you, that it is a common practice for many preachers asking for money to use the money for stupid shit like cross shaped swimming pools, trips to Bermuda, and air conditioners in their dogs’ houses.

6 Another man came forward and asked Jesus, Lord, is it not so that those who are poor who give all that they have financially to the church hold great favor in the eyes of God?

7 And Jesus said, that is a load of shit, ‘aight? Poor people who give all of their money to churches are stupid since instead of giving their money to some two-bit, bible-thumping religious charlatan they should be going to the damn grocery store to buy food,

8 For it is true that those who are poor had best take measures and actions to first improve their own situation before trying to do anything financially for anyone else. If God needs money that badly I sure he could whip up a batch of bills in no time.

9 Then Jesus was asked, Jesus, why do those who are held captive by the Gospel of Disaster always talking about the end of the world? Why don’t they just work and pray together to make things better and to improve possible outcomes in the future?

10 Well, Jesus said, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, they love the drama and the attention that they inevitably draw with their depressing and hopeless assessments of the fate of mankind. They feed off of this negativity like leeches on their host.

11 Secondly, they want to be right and they want to feel special, like they have something no one else has. They want to believe that God will favor them over all other people and faiths, that God will spare them from utter disaster while murdering everyone else for believing differently.

12 A woman asked Jesus, Teacher, why did God give us freewill if he already knew he would punish us for not making the choices he wants us to make? I mean, doesn’t the fact that God wants for people to make specific choices, or else, remove the idea of freewill?

13 Everyone has freewill, my child, answered Jesus. Contrary to what the Gospel of Disaster teaches, God wants for us to make our own choices, good or not so good, in order that we grow in understanding with each life that we live;

14 You are correct in pointing out that the God of the Gospel of Disaster demanding specific choices in order to secure salvation automatically removes all notions of freewill.

15 Telling someone to make a choice between ‘a’ or ‘b’, whichever one they want, and then telling that person if they pick ‘b’ they will die horribly also removes notions of freewill. This describes the doctrine of the Gospel of Disaster to a ‘t’.

16 On the one hand they say all of humanity has freewill, then on the other hand they say humanity is fucked. Go figure.

17 Then did a Pharisee who was mingling with the crowd ask Jesus, Rabbi, are we not in the End Times even as we speak? With nations rising against nations everywhere and with so many wars being fought, is not the Second Coming imminent?

18 Then did Jesus become irritated and answered, Tell me now, how in the fuck can the Second Coming, my return for the second time, be upon us when I haven’t even left from the first time I visited ya’ll, a time that happens to be now?

19 And, no. We are not in the End Times, ‘aight? Ya’ll are so damned consumed by trying to think of all the horrible things that will happen to humanity when all time ends, that you don’t even bother to think and do and encourage happy things, good things.

20 Your scriptures are misinterpreted, diluted, and marred by the opinions of men who only wish to control others by telling them there is no hope. That’s crap. You got it? Crap. Your scriptures do not know the future, and neither do you for that matter.

21 As far as nations fighting against nations, well, that is what people do when they do not agree. However, all of this fighting is not nearly as detrimental to the universe and all of eternity as you say it is. Not everyone fights. There are nations that do many good things. So, stop pretending everything everywhere is bad,

22 For if all you ever open your eyes to is suffering and misery, guess what? That is all you are ever going to see no matter how good you think your vision is and no matter how good things are around you.

23 And the scribes and the Pharisees in the crowd wailed and tore their clothing in a theatrical show of sorrow, saying, Raca! This man defiles our scriptures with false witness and blasphemy! May he be delivered unto Satan!

24 Then did the scribes and Pharisees leave, heading toward the governor’s quarters with the intention of requesting immediate arrest and incarceration of Jesus. And the crowd murmured in fear, but Jesus said,

25 Do not be afraid, ‘aight? Do not be afraid for the love of the universe that comprises all things that make up everything that God is did not create your life in order that you live it in fear.

26 If there are men who wish to live in fear let them alone to do so on their own and do not allow your life and your love to be contaminated with the destructive nature of fear.

Chapter 15

1 Now it was the time of the Passed Over celebration, and the brunch buffet that also served champagne. As the scribes and Pharisees brooded at their tables they considered how to arrest Jesus and on what charges.

2 And it came to pass that after the celebration and the feast Jesus and the disciples loaded into Mac Daddy’s Volkswagen van with Jesus driving and Koresh pulling shotgun duties.

3 Jesus and the disciples had hardly been driving more than ten minutes when they were pulled over by Roman Centurion State Patrol. Jesus groaned, saying, Goddamn it! Wouldn’t it figure I would get pulled over the one night I forget my wallet and license?

4 The Roman Centurion State Patrol unit pulled its chariot right behind the van and then approached the driver’s side window, tapping on the window.

5 Jesus rolled the window down and before he could be asked for his license and registration he said, Yes, I’ll have two large fries, six apple pie thingies, hummm…three orders of chicken nuggets, four egg rolls and a liter of soda.

6 The Centurion apparently didn’t find Jesus funny and asked Jesus for his driver’s license and registration. Jesus said, I don’t have my license with me right now but I can give you the number to run your check on.

7 The Centurion ignored this and asked, Have you been drinking tonight, or been using any illegal substances?

8 No, said Jesus. Then he remembered the gi-normous duffle bag of special blend mow in the back seat and realized he was screwed. The Centurion saw Jesus’ expression and figured something was wrong, asking,

9 Sir, would you please step out of the van and place your hands on the hood. Jesus sighed for he knew there was really nothing he could do about his predicament.

10 Three hours later Jesus still sat in the holding cell of the Temple Prison and Correctional Facilities, waiting anxiously for the disciples to bail him out. Three more hours passed before a Pharisee finally approached Jesus’ cell, saying,

11 Well, well, well. If it isn’t the one and only Jesus of Nazareth. My, but don’t you look cozy in that teeny little cell. Feelin’ hungry?

12 Jesus ignored the Pharisee’s mocking tone and said, Look man, I know my rights, you dig? Bail has been paid so just let me out. By the way, you assholes denied me my rights by not letting me make a phone call.

13 The Pharisee laughed, How were you gonna call? And, I don’t know what makes you think bail has been posted, cause it hasn’t. My brotha, you are here to stay and shall be a most distinguished guest at the crucifixion celebration tomorrow morning.

14 Jesus scowled, not in a particularly good humor, and said, Fuck you, man. I don’t feel like playing games. Just let me out.

15 Bail has not been paid, your holiness, or can’t you hear? And behold, verily I say unto you that your country ass is gonna hang tomorrow!

16 Jesus became angry and yelled, Stop screwin’ around and let me the fuck outta here!

17 The Pharisee made a mock sad face and said, Awww. Is him feelin’ sad? Poor, poor baby. Do you need your mommy and daddy? Wait, it seems to me you could get yourself out if you really are the Spawn of God. So why don’t you?

18 Jesus ignored the question and asked, What do you mean bail hasn’t been paid? Didn’t the disciples pay it?

19 I’ll tell you what the disciples paid for, your highness. They did post bail for something, not someone. I am sure you can guess that the duffle bag loaded with the mow was pretty important to them. They bailed out the mow.

20 It then came to pass that at that moment a group of scribes came running into the room, saying, Come quick! Those demanding the release of Jesus have set fire to the residential district of the rich! Already twenty houses have burned down!

21 Without so much as batting an eye the Pharisee handed the scribes the cell block key and took off running, calling out behind him, Stay with him! Do not let anyone in! If the fire comes here evacuate him to the governor’s quarters! Oh, my house! My house!

22 After a few moments the scribes turned and faced Jesus, and Jesus said, Well played, guys! Let’s blow this joint!

23 Then from under their robes the disciples, who were dressed as scribes, pulled the uniform of a Pharisee and handed it to Jesus who quickly changed into it. How do I look? Jesus asked Mufasa.

24 Good enough to pass for a Pharisee, said Mufasa as they all headed out the door, blending in with the crowds that always seemed to plague the streets.

Chapter 16

1 The room was silent, all eyes directed toward the Pharisee who had been charged with guarding Jesus and who had forsaken his duties to save his home when informed his neighborhood was on fire. The Pharisee swallowed hard, saying,

2 Sir, they told me that my neighborhood was on fire. I was trying to save my home. I put the other scribes in charge of Jesus. I guess he got the drop on them.

3 The governor of the area leaned forward on the podium and said, Caesar will be here tomorrow, and he has always been one of those who hated Jesus the most. Not too long ago I called him and told him we had Jesus,

4 But as it turns out we don’t have Jesus because a shit for brains Pharisee decided to save his house from a fire that wasn’t even in his neighborhood. Do you really think that I can call Caesar and tell him this? He will have my ass for putting such a putz like you in charge!

5 The governor raged on, I have fewer than twenty-four hours to come up with a plan and come up with Jesus or my ass is grass! So, any suggestions?

6 Yes, sir, the Pharisee answered. We need some ringers. I know just the ones.

7 And it came to pass that the governor followed the Pharisee’s plan which was to take thirteen political prisoners, tell them that they were going to be released per a plea/treaty deal with another country at the stroke of midnight,

8 Then, once they were safely away from the prison where no one could see they would be kidnapped, bludgeoned, but not killed, dressed to look like Jesus and his disciples, tied to crosses, and forced to walk through the littered streets in the same route that those being crucified normally walked…except this would be done at midnight.

9 People would be roused from sleep, rushing to their doors to see what the hell was going on. The soldiers would be equipped with whips and chains, beating the men tied to the crosses as they walked to their deaths.

10 Then they would be dutifully nailed to their crosses and raised high for all to see. When half asleep citizens questioned what was going on the soldiers would shout and yell at them that this was what happened to all who opposed Caesar, whether or not they were religious men.

11 The Pharisee sighed and then added, And one of the main points to doing this at night is there will be no one to question the facial and bodily figures of those we are crucifying since it will be the dark of night.

12 The governor nodded and a slow smile spread on his face. He was really starting to like the Pharisee’s plan. Then he asked the Pharisee, But what happens when Caesar gets here and demands to know why I hung the one man who he hates the most in the entire world and who he wants to kill the most? And the Pharisee said,

13 Well, that is where the plan gets a little hairy since it will take a lot of very good acting on the parts of the soldiers. Only use soldiers you can trust. So, this is what needs to be done,

14 Have a bunch of soldiers dress like Jesus, his disciples, and at least a crowd of about fifty. The crowd must be gathered around Jesus and his disciples in order to cut down the chances of someone getting close enough to recognize that it’s not Jesus and gang.

15 Then when the streets are good and quiet and the people asleep, have the Jesus ringers march through the streets shouting bad crap about Caesar, claiming to kill him as soon as he arrives, and also shouting for people to join their cause.

16 For best effect have a few more ringers emerge and join the crowd in apparent support. Then, as soon as they are at the palace of Caesar make a big show of arresting them and putting them into prison. Remember that it must look like total anarchy.

17 Then once at the prison simply put your Jesus ringers in place of the arrestees, tie ‘em to their crosses, and proceed to the crucifixion site. Get them nailed and up as quickly as possible.

18 Make sure that the soldiers are yelling to those watching that this is what happens to all those against Caesar. Be extremely aggressive. Have a couple of your men go out to meet Caesar to tell him of the plans Jesus and the disciples devised for his murder and a revolt,

19 Then tell him you immediately crucified them in order that they not try to take control or harm Caesar, and that people who wanted to join such an ill fated revolt immediately changed their minds on fear of instant death.

20 When Caesar gets here the Jesus ringers will already be dead so they can’t tell him what we did. Plus, with them nailed up so high on the crosses and with their faces unrecognizable from the beatings Caesar will never know.

21 He might be a little pissed we held the crucifixions without him, but he will get over it quickly because his ego will be so swollen from the thought that we defended him and saved him and are obviously so loyal to him we enacted instant justice on those who would defy Caesar and the Roman government.

22 The Pharisee held his hands out in an ‘I’m finished’ gesture and said, What do you think? The governor looked thoughtful, then said,

23 That plan has to be one of the most complicated plans I have ever heard, and it is loaded with all kinds of crap that could go wrong. But, we have no choice. So, yes. Let’s do it.

Chapter 17

1 The snow that blanketed the mountains made the mountains stand out in stark relief against the indigo blue sky. Even though it was sunny, that was a ruse. The air temperature was a teeth chattering ten degrees.

2 A group of men in extreme cold weather attire were receiving beginners’ skiing instructions on the side of the mountain known as the ‘bunny slopes’. When the instruction was over the men boarded ski lifts headed to the mountain top.

3 When all of the men finally arrived at the top they tried to make it at least halfway down before they lost balance or tripped themselves up with their own skis.

4 After the third time down the mountain and the third time he had gotten his skis tangled which had resulted in him tumbling head over heels down the mountain, Jesus lay on his back in the snow, breathing heavily.

5 He glanced over to Mufasa and Koresh who were struggling to get up after face planting in the snow. The other disciples were also trying to right themselves after tumbling headlong down the mountain.

6 Jesus said to Koresh, I had no idea whatsoever skiing was this difficult. I mean, I was thinking that if I can walk on water surely I could ski. Shee-it.

7 Koresh smiled, panting with exertion and then said, Yeah, but it beats getting crucified by Neo-Nazi Roman soldiers or persistently being followed by crowds who really are as mindless as sheep in need of a shepherd.

8 You got that right! Jesus said. That was just getting way to damn crazy back there.

9 Mufasa asked Jesus, Is your dad mad that you totally ditched what he told you to do? Jesus shrugged and said,

10 Nah. He said it worked out okay since everyone still thought we were crucified. Of course, we can never go back. No, no, no. My old man told me he owned a nice house in Aspen and did not really use it. So, he gave it to us. I think we will do well here.

11 Two hours later Jesus and the disciples sat around the fireplace, sipping Cognac and watching cheesy horror movies.

12 Carlos said to Jesus, I am glad we didn’t go to Hawaii. I have a fear of being surrounded by large amounts of water and being swallowed by a tidal wave. Are you going to miss preaching to the people? Jesus looked thoughtful for a moment and then said,

13 Well, yes and no. Yes, because the people desperately need to know the full truth. No, because there are always those idiots and assholes who inevitably take spiritual messages and turn them into voracious sects within institutionalized religion,

14 For some people just don’t seem happy unless they are controlling each other with twisted little pockets of fear based faiths or fighting over whose God is better. It gets really tiring having to repeat myself so friggin’ much.

15 I am quite confident we will do very well here with no one to preach to, no one following us, no one accusing us of weird shit, no one taking what we say out of context or ascribing a completely different meanings to what we say, and no one telling us how to think and live and believe.

16 Jesus raised his glass of Cognac, wincing slightly from the pain in his cracked ribs, an injury he acquired when slamming into a rather large and immovable tree. A toast, gentlemen, Said Jesus.

17 Webster asked Jesus, What shall we toast to? Jesus smiled contentedly and said,

18 To the knowledge and understanding that brings true freedom and whatever destiny you choose to create. Live to love and love to live!

19 The disciples raised their glasses in unison and said, Hear, hear!

20 Jesus paused a moment then said, And to salvation! The disciples answered,

21 To Salvation!