The REAL Old Testament
These are five sample chapters of the original and oldest known text of the Old Testament as presented by Ester Lighthorse in her upcoming book "Old Testy Men"
Old Testy Men
By
Ester Lighthorse
The First Book of Masa: Called Geronimo
1
1:1 In the beginning of everything, or at least around the time of the beginning or sometime right after, man created the story of God creating the heavens and the earth.
1:2 Now the first couple of versions of creation stories were pretty boring and devoid of anything of real interest; the story itself wasn’t dark enough, and the spirit of God always seemed to be a bit clingy and hovering. Then the following story was finally agreed upon, written, signed, sealed, and delivered.
1:3 So, God realized that he wasn‘t going to get real far in the scheme of things if he simply continued to sit on his ass in the dark, and he pestered the folks at the local Universal Gas and Electric Company until they gave him a divine account. And then there was light.
1:4 And even though God thought that the electricity rates were a bit high and the customer service wasn’t all that great, he figured that the light was pretty good. After all, who wants to go about their lives in the limited revelations of a flashlight or a campfire?
1:5 And it happened that while he was turning out the kitchen light God was overcome with the spirit of inventiveness and decided to call the times when the lights were out ‘night’ and the times that the lights were on ‘day.’ Then did God flip the switch a couple of times and say, Look! It is day, it is night! It is day, it is night! It is day, it is night!
1:6 Then did God say, You know, I bet if I let this light ferment a little bit we could get some moisture.
1:7 And God added to the light a little sugar, a little fruit, and a little heat. Thus were the fermented waters created and God did call them wine and spirits. And God divided the wine and spirits and gathered them in places.
1:8 And God called the places where the fermented waters were gathered in bars and watering holes, Heaven. Then God flipped the switch a couple more times and called it the second day.
1:9 And God said, Let the waterholes that serve the wine and spirits be divided up into various lands and it was so.
1:10 And God called some of the lands Compton and some of the lands Logan Heights. And God saw that none of this land was very good at all, but what the hell, right? He really didn’t want to start over, so he said it was all good.
1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the best grass ever, the kind of herb yielding the greatest high when smoked, and let there be poppy seeds with which to make all sorts of wondrous mind-altering delights, and the cocoa tree yielding cocaine bearing leaves after its kind, whose high is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
1:12 And the earth brought forth some bomb-ass grass to smoke, and oodles of herbs yielding seeds that gave the user the best high when smoked, and the cocoa tree yielding cocaine bearing leaves, whose high is in itself, after its kind: and God smoked a little bit of everything and thought that it was pretty damn good…not necessarily because it
was good, but because he felt pretty damn good.
1:13 And God flipped the kitchen light switch on and off, and ‘twas the third day.
1:14 And God said, Let there be various versions of light beers in the Heavens that serve the wine and spirits. And divide the lagers from the amber beers; and let them be for sporting events, and for weddings, and for birthdays,
1:15 And even let the beers be for all parties where there may be served fermented waters of the Heavens: and it was so.
1:16 And God made two of the absolute greatest light beers; one of these light beers tasted better than the other, and the other of these light beers wasn’t too filling.
1:17 And God set the beers in the lists of available booze in the menus of the Heavens in order to give those upon the earth more choices of inebriating tinctures,
1:18 And to induce hangovers in those who would over-indulge in the fermented light, and to provide the wicked men who stormed the New World a tool with which they could use to distract the Native Americans so that their native lands could be openly stolen: and God saw that it was the birth of Machiavellian Politics.
1:19 And God hit the switch again, and ’twas the fourth day.
1:20 And God said, May the bitter waters of politics bring forth the monstrous and generally evil creature that hath no true life, for it shall be run by foul men and women that hath no concern for those in their charge, and it shall be called government.
1:21 And God created government, and every demented creature that
moveth within government, which the paper-clogged buracracy brought forth abundantly, after its twisted kind, and every foul politician after his kind: and God saw that it was about as jacked up as it was going to get.
1:22 And God cursed them, saying, Be sure to really abuse the governing power vested upon you, and multiply all of your financial holdings whenever possible, and fill the congress with uncooperative assholes who live their every moment to move to the every beckon call of the lobbyists, and let foul practices of those in government really screw up the earth.
1:23 And God flipped the kitchen switch again, and ‘twas the fifth day.
1:24 Then God said, Let the stadiums of earth bring forth every sport after its kind, football, and soccer, and baseball, and cricket, and croquet, and swimming, and every sport of the earth after its kind: and it was so.
1:25 And God made all the sports of the earth, and then after some thought God also added the sports of the fermented waters such as Beer Pong and Quarters: and God saw that it was a pretty good idea to mix booze and sports.
1:26 And God said, Let us take some of our own genes and splice them with that of Neanderthal man and all other cavemen so that they will be in our image, after our own genetic tendencies, and talents, and potential: and let us see what the intelligent man we create does with the gift of reasoning that we shall bestow upon him and all of his kind, and how this man treats the other creatures upon this earth, and how this man utilizes his divine power of creation, yea, even how this man treats himself and all of his kind.
1:27 And so God descended to earth in a chariot of fire, kidnapped numerous Neanderthals and cavemen, proceeded with a series of experiments with gene splicing, and once satisfied with the results, returned to earth in the chariot of fire, and set free upon the earth the new man he had created.
1:28 And God charged the new men, and God said unto them, What has been given unto you, and all of your kind, is both divine, and neutral. The responsibility and consequence for anything that is created by you, and all of your kind, shall be upon your shoulders, regardless of whether or not that which has been created is good or bad.
1:29 Behold, I have given you great power, which is both the power to create, and the power to destroy.
1:30 And therefore knoweth ye, that the day you create something wicked, or destroy something good and great, you shall surely regret it.
1:31 And God saw that the history of man upon the earth had been set into motion, and, behold, it was bound to be quite an interesting ride, indeed. And as before, God flipped the kitchen light switch, and ‘twas the sixth day.
2
2:1 Such was the creation of everything in the universe, in only six days at that.
2:2 And it came to pass that on the seventh day God decided that he really didn‘t feel like creating anything else; well, truth be told, it was Sunday, and who doesn‘t know that Sundays are for football?
2:3 And God lounged on the seventh day, watched every football game, and ordered take-out: because the truth of the matter is all work and no play makes God a very dull deity.
2:4 This is supposedly a reliable story about how God created the world, a story written down by mere mortals claiming to be under the direction of God who commanded the story to be written down word for word, so that men would not forget that God had sole rights when it came down to slapping someone around and telling them what to do. Whew.
2:5 And every ganja plant of the field grew in the earth, and every psychedelic herb of the field grew, and every high-producing tree brought forth plentiful crops. And since God had not yet caused it to rain upon the earth, and since man was too goddamn lazy to do any of the work himself to till the ground,
2:6 God conjured up a mist from within the bowels of the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. Well, truth be told the first couple of tries resulted in something more along the lines of Mississippi flood waters than a mere mist.
2:7 And the LORD God formed man out of some spare parts he had laying around in his garage: vise grips, lighter fluid, a borrowed lawnmower, a non-functioning weed whacker, and some spring potting soil.
2:8 And the LORD God created tenement housing so that the man he created would be in the worst places possible.
2:9 So, out of the ground made the LORD God to grow tract tenement housing and dilapidated multi-family complex housing that looked like something out of a post-apocalyptic society,
2:10 And cops patrolled these dwellings created by God, but the police presence did little to improve the condemned communities since drug dealers and vast numbers and varieties of thug gangs badly outnumbered the authorities.
2:11 The names of several of these communities were Compton, Golden Hill, Logan Heights, Lemon Grove, Lakeside, and South Central. And God noted that it shall be that no matter what city you go to all of the bad sides of town will generally and quite reliably always have the same names.
2:13 And God created extra special housing in which to house those who had been booted out even from tenement housing,
2:14 And the names of the most prominent of these special housing units were Pelican Bay, Donovan, Riker’s Island, Corcoran, and San Quentin.
2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put handcuffs upon his wrists,
2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, these cuffs are just a teeny-tiny taste of what will happen to you if you fuck things up. So play nice, dammit.
2:18 And the LORD God said, the man I have created is lonely and perhaps I should create and give unto him anti-depressants before he decides to off himself out of pure sorrow and want of human contact.
2:19 But the Lord God changed his mind and decided to create a bunch of different kinds of animals to be the man’s company.
2:20 And the man had a jolly time of it naming all of the animals, giving some of them really jacked up names like ‘duck billed platypus’ and ‘blue footed booby’ and ‘dung beetle’ and ‘cockroach.’
2:21 However, God saw that the man was still lonely, and so God gave the man some bourbon in order to get him drunk. When the man was finally three full sails to the wind he passed out and God took the opportunity to fence one of the man’s ribs.
2:22 And the rib the LORD God had taken from man was formed into another human being, a woman,
2:23 And the man said unto the woman, you shall be called a bitch, because you haven’t even been standing here breathing in air for ten minutes and already you are bitching and moaning for me to mow the lawn and dump the goddamn trash.
2:24 Therefore it is for such reasons that men will divorce their wives, lose everything they own in many a lengthy and expensive divorce, and move back in with their parents.
2:25 And God saw that not only were the man and the woman at each other’s throats constantly, but that the tendrils of depression were already beginning to wind themselves around the emotions of those he had created, and it was then that the Lord God realized he would have to create anti-depressants after all.
3
3:1 Now the Lord God was a sneaky son of a bitch and he proved this when he created the serpent, and for whatever reason the Lord God made it so that is was the serpent who was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made, to include the man and the woman that had been made. The Lord God said unto the serpent, go and see if you can convince these fools to do something stupid that will rouse my anger so that I may kick them out of the garden.
3:2 And the serpent said as he bowed low to the ground, My liege, what it is exactly you wish for me to do and what amount of authority and power will you give unto me in the process of executing that which you request?
3:3 Serpent, replied the Lord God, I could give a rat’s ass and a good goddamn what you do so long as you get them out of the garden.
3:4 And the serpent said, And what shall be done after that which you have requested has been completed? And the Lord God smiled widely and said,
3:5 Actually I was thinking of cursing the two ninnies I have created as well as all future generations, blaming everything on your smarmy and evil nature, then developing some kind of plot or plan that I can give to the idiot man and woman so that they may suffer every moment of their existence in some way while at the same time believing that if they behave well enough and believe in the right things they will be saved.
3:7 And the eyes of the serpent squinted with great confusion and he said, Saved? By whom? And from what? And why blame me for anything? What the hell did I do? And the Lord God rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration, saying,
3:8 I mean saved by me, Serpent. Think about it. This garden is too ever-loving boring to actually stay here in eternal bliss with a human creation that so far has done absolutely nothing to earn that bliss. I figure to make things a little more interesting, more worthy of an Emmy Award for best soap opera.
3:9 Blaming you, the Lord God continued, adds a little spice to the whole story, right? The more we jack-up the life situations of man and all histories of man, the more crazy information and fears and crack-pot ideologies we slip into his spirit and mind and body and soul, well, the more entertained we shall be.
3:10 And we will share all the powers to manipulate anything, because fair is fair. I did not mention that part before because I was not sure you would agree to such a thing in the first place.
3:11 The serpent slowly smiled as he warmed up to the idea that he could play marionette puppeteer with the humans on the earth. And the serpent said to the Lord God, So basically we confuse the hell out of these people. That actually sounds kinda fun. When do we start?
3:12 And the Lord God said, I was thinking why not start right now? The serpent nodded in giddy excitement and said,
3:13 So what story do we concoct to get them out of here? It can’t be anything too easy or cheesy, either. I mean, the game has to last forever, right?
3:14 True, true, mused the Lord God. Why don’t you get them to do something that they have been forbidden to do? Then, I place heavy punishment upon them for disobeying. What shall we present as forbidden? How about a special tree they cannot eat from upon threat of death?
3:15 That sounds pretty good, the serpent congratulated. Why not make it two trees with one tree bringing divine wisdom and eternal life in some really great far away place, and the other tree also bringing wisdom, but also bringing death?
3:16 Yes, replied the Lord God, I like that idea. And we should also switch the identities of the trees so that they end up eating from the wrong tree to begin with. Once they have eaten of the wrong tree so then shall they be driven from the garden and the very face of God.
3:17 Lord God, asked the serpent, what shall we do after they have been driven from the garden? Serpent, replied the Lord God, I do not know. I have not thought that far. But thou shalt not worry thyself, Serpent. We have all the power in the universe to make things up as we go along.
3:18 And it was so that in that very day the Lord God pointed out the forbidden trees to the humans, purposely telling his creation that they may eat of a certain tree when they should not, and that they should not eat of a certain tree when they should.
3:19 Then did the serpent approach the woman and say unto her, Woman, hast thou yet tasted of this tree? I have not, answered the woman, for the Lord God has commanded that we shall not touch it, lest we surely die.
3:20 And what about the other tree, asked the serpent? Have you not yet tasted of it? Hast not the Lord God commanded that you may eat of it? Yes, said the woman, I was searching for the man so that we may dine of the tree’s fruit together.
3:21 Then did the man approach to where the woman and the serpent were speaking, and together the man and the woman took of the fruit of the tree and did eat. And immediately the pupils of the man and the woman dilated with the strong toxin of the fruit.
3:22 Then came the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden, calling out to the man and the woman and inquiring as to their whereabouts. And he discovered his creation hiding behind the tree and asked them both, What is this that thou hast hid from me?
3:24 And the man said, We heard you in the garden and were afraid for you to see us as we are high. And the Lord God was angry with the man and the woman and said,
3:25 This garden has a zero tolerance drug policy which you both have now violated. From this day forth you are forbidden to enter this garden. Unto the man the Lord God said, Why hast thou hearkened unto the woman? And the man said,
3:26 Lord God, the woman you have given me is defective. All she ever does doth grate on my very soul, her nagging is excessive and I took the fruit she gave me and did eat of it only to get her to shut that trap she calls a mouth.
3:27 And the Lord God asked the woman, What is this that you have done? And the woman answered, The serpent reminded me to eat of the fruit you commanded and I did. Lord God, this is the very tree you told me to eat of. I am sure of it. But the woman was not so sure, for the Lord God made all the trees appear the same in the garden.
3:28 To the serpent the Lord God said, Serpent, thou hast lied unto the man and the woman and in doing so have signed unto them an eternity of sorrow and death that can only be redeemed with blood. From this day forth so shall you be cursed to creep upon your belly.
3:29 Unto the woman the Lord God said, Because of this thing that you have done you are cursed and from this day forth will experience great pain in rearing your children, for you shall say one thing and one instruction to your children, and the man shall say another,
3:30 And as if such a domestic circumstance is not enough to make thou crazy and thy emotions frazzled, so shall the man also drive you to the brink of insanity with his philandering, laziness in house chores, and lack of emotional intelligence.
3:31 Unto the man the Lord God said, Because of this thing that you have done, so shall the woman nag you and nag you and all men after you until you pray for death or deafness,
3:32 And it shall be that the most blessed and holy mow I have sewn in the fields for your smoking enjoyment shall gradually be labeled as illegal, and so shall you find you must hide the holy mow from those who would imprison you for being in possession of it.
3:33 Thus did the Lord God drive the man and the woman he had created from the garden, and so did the Lord God place an electrified fence with razor wire around the perimeter of the garden so as to prevent them from re-entering.
4
4:1 And the man and the woman fled from the garden that God had created for them, and they gave each other names, the man called the woman Eve and the woman called the man Adam.
4:2 And Eve did bare unto Adam two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain manufactured methanphetamine and Abel tended flocks.
4:3 And it came to be that Cain and Abel decided to bring offerings unto the Lord God so that they may pay him homage. And Cain brought unto the Lord his meth-producing laboratory set-up.
4:4 And Abel, he brought to the Lord the smallest and weakest of his flock. And the LORD was perplexed at both of the offerings and said unto Abel, Why have you given unto me as a show of your fear and respect the weakest of your flock? How does that show fear and respect?
4:5 And unto Cain the Lord said, What is this you have brought unto me as a show of your fear and respect? Manufactured drugs? And what the hell is that smell? Don’t you know producing meth creates dangerous and explosive fumes?
4:6 And the LORD saw that Cain’s expression was wroth and he said unto Cain, Why is thy countenance wroth? Why are thou angry?
4:7 If thou had half a brain thou wouldst bring unto me Oxycontin, Percocet, or Xanax and not meth. Doth thou not know this? If thou doest not well in the eyes of your drug kingpin or pimp daddy, your sin lieth at his door and he shall not open when you knock.
4:8 And unto Abel the Lord said, put this poor weakling of an animal back in the flock with its mother and let it grow as it ought to. Only he who is of low intellect brings unto the holy something living that may be killed in order to show homage.
4:9 And the LORD was irritated and left from the faces of Cain and Abel. And as Abel was helping Cain to pack up the meth laboratory set the static from his clothing sparked the highly flammable fumes and there ensued a large explosion, and Abel was no more.
4:10 And at that moment the Lord returned unto where Cain and Abel had been in order that he ask of them a question. When the Lord saw Cain standing alone in the field, his clothing singed, and burning materials scattered about he asked Cain, Where is Abel thy brother?
4:11 And Cain answered, Lord, I am not the keeper of souls that have expired so I do not know. And the Lord immediately put it all together upon hearing Cain’s words and seeing the scorched earth. And the Lord was angry with Cain and said,
4:12 What is this thou hast done unto thy brother? Did I not tell you that the fumes from the meth lab were highly flammable? Cain pleaded with the Lord, saying, Lord I did not know that static from clothing could ignite the fumes,
4:13 The woman who is my mother shall kill me for Abel was her favorite. Lord please help me to escape the forthcoming wrath of my mother as her punishment unto me will be more than I can bear. And the Lord did help Cain to escape the wrath of the woman who was his mother, informing the parents of Cain and Abel that the two brothers had been kidnapped by a band of traveling gypsies.
4:14 And Cain swore off the meth and said, Behold, meth hast driven me out this day from the face of my family; and my brother is dead because of it; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth for I have no damn clue about any other place than where I have been born and raised.
4:15 And the LORD said unto him, Fear not, Cain, for I have checked the GPS on my cell phone and there is a land called Nod that is but a year’s journey away, but I have brought you this camel so that your travels shall only be but a few months.
4:16 And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of the south side of west of the northernmost reaches of Eden.
4:17 And Cain and his wife did the deed and she conceived, and bare Enoch, and yes, this presents a problem because you have to wonder where the hell did Cain find this woman to take as a wife? And who were her parents if Adam and Eve were in fact the first people on the planet? And if that were so in all truth, then did not Cain marry his own sister?
4:18 And Cain built a city and called it Incestia, and his own family grew in number. Unto Enoch and one of his close relatives was born Iraq: and Iraq shacked up with one of his sisters and did bare a son named Meka-lecka-hi: and Meka-lecka-hi did one of his sisters and bare Meka-heine-ho:
4:19 And Meka-heine-ho shagged one of his sisters and she did bare Lame-ass. And Lame-ass took unto him two of his first cousins as wives: the name of the one was Peaches and the name of the other Hunny-bun.
4:20 And Peaches bare Jack-ass: he was the father of such as dwell in alley-ways and park benches, and of such as have many convictions for sex crimes.
4:21 And his brother's name was Half-ass: he was the father of all such as mishandle political and non-profit organization funds.
4:22 And Hunny-bun, she also bare Tubal-steak, an instructor of every sexual position imaginable: and the sister of Tubal-steak was No-more; No-more was abstinent.
4:23 And Lame-ass said unto his first cousins…err, his wives, Peaches and Hunny-bun, Hear my voice, ye cousins of Lame-ass, hearken unto my ramblings for I have lain with a man,
4:24 If anyone shall make this known to the Lord I swear to Jesus I will kill that person myself. And Peaches and Hunny-bun said unto Lame-ass, Do you really think that a Lord that allows for rampant incest will give a good goddamn about you laying with another man?
4:25 And Adam doeth the deed with Eve yet again, and she did bare a son, and called his name Spic, saying, For this son of mine doth resembleth Antonio Montana in the movie Scarface.
4:26 And unto Spic, to him also there was born a son, and he called his name Ether. And then did men begin to call upon the Lord, demanding that he present himself and account for what hath become the jacked-up condition of humanity, especially in relation to the rampant incest.
5
5:1 This is supposed to be the book of the generations of Adam. However, as things doth go, expectedly so, there have been many a revision, addition, or retraction. Thou shouldst keep such in mind as you readeth this. In the day that man created the Lord God…whoops! Forgiveth me, I meant in the day that the Lord God created man in the supposed likeness of God made he him,
5:2 In considering such you must ask yourself that if the Lord God did in fact create male and female in his own image, doth that not mean that the Lord God is comprised not only of that which is male, but also that which is female?
5:3 And it came to be that Adam thrived for one century, a score, and a decade, and begat a son in his own likeness, and called his name Spic. What thou shouldst find interesting is Spic be one of the few in early humanity whose mother and father were not of familial relation.
5:4 And this, what doth be the real kicker in the story, the fact that the woman Eve was formed of the rib of the man Adam, consider whether this doth infer that Adam is either committing incest with himself, or that ultimate creative strength and power doth indeed cometh from within.
5:5 And it came to pass that Adam lived for an amount of time parallel to the age of a great Sequoia. The woman Eve grew weary of his presence and inquired of him, Why dost thou not die? Then, when the man Adam finally reacheth the age of three score and a decade less than a millennia he finally succumbed to the infernal nagging of the woman Eve, and he died with a smile on his face.
5:6 And Spic liveth for quite a penis-shriveling amount of time, and yet his seed producing testes had not turned to dust, thus he still was able enough and begat Ether.
5:7 And Spic lived for what amounted to yet another lifetime of a great Sequoia, adding mightily to the genetically defiled population of earth with several of his own relatives.
5:8 And then did Spic die. Ether lived one decade less than a century, and then did he begat Co-cay-ee-nah. Ether lived half of a decade longer than one century less than a millennium, adding to the genetically defiled numbers of humanity, and he expired.
5:9 And Co-cay-ee-nah lived a score and a decade less than a century, and he doest the deed with a relative and begat Ah-boom.
5:10 And Co-cay-ee-nah lived another unbelievably large chunk of time, adding to the genetically defiled population of earth, and he expired.
5:11 And Ah-boom lived three score and half of a decade and begat Chick-a-rocka, and Ah-boom lived for an absurdly exaggerated length of time, adding to the genetically defiled population of the earth, and he died.
5:12 And Chick-a-rocka lived four score and seven years and begat Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom. And Chick-a-rocka lived eight more centuries, adding to the genetically defiled population of the earth, and he died.
5:13 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived three centuries, four score, and half of a decade, and he begat Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom.
5:14 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one half of a millennium longer, and he died having only added one person to the genetically defiled population of the earth.
5:15 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rock-chick-a-boom lived three decades and one half of a decade and three years and begat Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom.
5:16 And Chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one score less than half of one century shy of one millennium, greatly contributing to the genetically defiled population the earth, and he died.
5:17 And Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived one century, one score, three-fourths of a millennium, and six months and begat Eros.
5:18 And Ah-boom-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-rocka-chick-a-boom lived three score more years and died.
5:19 And Eros lived four and one half score and begat Philios.
5:20 And Philios lived three decades and three years and begat Agape.
5:21 And Agape lived one decade, one half of a decade, and three years and begat Conundrum.
5:22 And Eros, Philios, and Agape were not; for the Lord God took them.
5:23 And Conundrum lived one century, two score, one decade, four years, three months, one week, six days, nine hours, seventeen minutes, and forty-five seconds and begat Paradigm.
5:24 And Conundrum lived for what seemed like forever, and since no man ever came upon his body, he was assumed to have died.
5:25 And Paradigm refused to inform anyone of his age and he begat Conclusory.
5:26 And Paradigm simply disappeared from the sight of everyone.
5:27 And Conclusory lived six centuries, three score, one half of a decade, and one year and begat Pragmatic.
5:28 And Conclusory vanished under suspicious circumstances.
5:29 And Pragmatic lived one score and begat twin sons Protagonist and Antagonist, and Pragmatic was killed by his son Antagonist. So, all the days of Pragmatic were two score and six years and he died.
5:30 And Antagonist lived one score and four years and begat Antithesis.
5:31 And Protagonist lived one score and four years and begat Hypothesis. Hypothesis lived two score and one year and begat Synopsis. And it came to pass that Synopsis, Hypothesis, and Protagonist were all killed in a suspicious fire at the threshing mill of Antagonist,
5:32 And Synopsis was survived by his son Noah, who was placed in the care of his relative Antithesis. And when Noah had lived three centuries he begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth.
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